The second and final beta is......

WOOO HOOO!! Our prayers were answered, we are pregnant and all is going really well!! Our doctor called and she laughed at the fact that I answered at the first ring tone.. she was like:" were you glued to the phone?" I said of course. She told me that the numbers are looking GREAT, they have more than doubled and this means that things are going very well. She does not want to have another beta as she is reassured by the numbers but we will instead get to see our baby(ies) on Thursday the 11th of February. I will be 5weeks and 5 days!! I am feel so blessed with this amazing news and thank God for answering our prayers once again. Today is a wonderful day.....

waiting for the second beta results is.... so hard!!!

D and I woke up at 8 am this morning and made it to the clinic for the 9 am blood test. The nurses keep telling me that we will have a boy and a girl.. everyone including D believes we are having twins... I have no idea. I thought I knew my own body, after all I have been in the same one for the last 29 years, and yet it seems I am the last one to know what is going on within it. For the last 9 years of my life on countless occasions I was convinced to be pregnant and yet when I did get pregnant for real I didn't have a clue! D knew before I found out! So after this I am not even going to try make a guess about how many babies we are having. There is no way I can tell and the beta numbers cannot be directly linked with singles or twins pregnancies. Everyone thinks otherwise!

Anyway, we then went to have a big breakfast filled with all the nutrients I need and then food shopping. We bought so many yummy and healthy stuff so that this working week we are set.I bought the book Eating Well When You're Expecting and it explains the types of foods I am supposed to eat and I need to have in my diet. So D and I went about doing the shopping based on that. We got lots of fruit and vegs, lean meat and dairies. I feel so healthy and I have only just started this process. It's a good thing I am not craving junk food.

D went to play some golf and I sat in the sun reading my book and listening to my meditation. We then had lunch and now we are home chilling before dinner with friends at this new cool restaurant tonight.... cannot wait!!

Through all of these activities, the thought that has never left my mind and makes me jump every time I phone rings is... what will the second beta be like? Will it be a good strong number? Will it be just enough? Can things still go wrong? I confessed to D that I am scared that things might go wrong now. He told me that I should try to relax and enjoy pregnancy, he said: "now we are just another ordinary pregnant couple! " That is a pretty good way of looking at it. Just because it took us longer and we had to seek medical help to get here, it does not mean it's going to wrong, right? I suppose part of the worrying comes from the whole IVF experience. Women who get pregnant straight never stop to think that something could go wrong because they haven't had anything going wrong so far. They are truly blessed. For us IF women, the worry begins when we cannot conceive and continues from then on. I remember a woman on one of the boards I am on who did not allow herself to be confident and happy about her pregnancy until she was almost ready to deliver. As much as we want to the worry never truly goes away. Given this, I still want to try to enjoy my pregnancy after all I have waited for this for a long long time and it would be a shame if I don't allow myself to enjoy it and make the most of it.

In the meantime I sit by my phone waiting for it to ring and check it actually works every 10-15 minutes.... like I've said the worry never truly goes away.

yup... I am still PREGNANT!!

Today I woke up at 5 am like I have done for the last 5 nights in a row. I don't know why my body wakes up at that time but it just does. I toss, turn and toss again and eventually I do fall asleep. Today when it happened I rubbed my belly and told the babies (I don't know if there is only one in there or two.. so for now they are the babies) that all is ok and to go back to sleep. I did manage to fall back to sleep myself but woke up again at 9 so I listened to my meditation and then read my book until D wok up at around 11. Bless him!

We spent the rest of the day walking around shops and I kept on running my belly up and down and all around, in a pregnant bliss. I am so blessed to be pregnant against all odds. I cannot believe it but my belly and my many pregnancy tests (yup, I did POAS again this morning and yup I am still pregnant!!) tell me that it's not all in my head but I am Pregnant!

I know there are lots of women out there who look for other's symptoms in the hope that their signs and their own match in the hope of being pregnant. So for those girls out there I want to keep track of my symptoms so far, starting from today:

1. sore, itchy, warm and bumpy boobs (started on 3dp5dt);


2. light cramps and twinges (started 2dp5dt);


3. feeling hot and then cold (started3dp5dt);


4. heartburn (started 7dp5dt);


5. increased appetite (started 7dp5dt);


6. dizziness (when I sit down for too long and I get up but also out of the blue 3dp5dt);


7. bloated and warm belly (7dp5dt);


8. very faint BFP (4dp5dt)

drum roll please.... first beta result is....

You got that right... 70!!!!! I am now officially (as per the doctor) PREGNANT!!!! Going back on Sat to see if it doubles... come on Jammy and Lucky keep growing and developing.. mommy and daddy love you so so much!!!!

7dp5dt.... PREGNANT!!!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen I am officially and idiot.. (ref. yesterday's post) but I am also PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After having the breakdown of a lifetime, crying fits and sobbing like the end of the world was coming and we could not be saved... D thought I was possessed and at one stage he was laughing and I was laughing too and crying at the same time. I wanted it so bad to be true and all the faint lines made it look like it wasn't.

Well this morning I followed D's advised and I POAS again on both the cheap Internet one and the FRER and there they were two beautiful lines that appeared straight away!!! I woke up D, switched on the light and blinded him and told him: "look at this.. we are pregnant!!!!! He was ecstatic!!! He said he knew as he has never seen me go so crazy as last night and because of all the faint lines we have been getting. He is happy that I believe it too now!!! Anyway, I went to the clinic on my own as I thought they would not do the beta now as it's too early. They were so surprised I got a BFP this early (if they only knew I tested all the way...!!) so they did a blood test there and then and even before the 5 minute bang the two lines appeared and the nurse showed me straight away!! I am PREGNANT!!!

I then got my progesterone and the doctor arrived and told me off for testing too early. She said she wants to have hope but real hope and that it could still be the pregnyl. I confessed (Confessions of a PAOS addict!!!) I have been testing from day 3 (I know I know...!!) and that the lines are getting darker!! She said that it's a good sign but not to get too carried away until we get the first beta numbers. They sent the blood off and we wait and see when we get the call (I am checking the phone every minute or so)!!! If all is ok I will be going in for another beta on Sat at the same time!! If it's really early to get a BFP now and I got one at 4dpt.. maybe both Jammy and Lucky (D named them) took!!! I will update you after my beta results!!! KMFC!!!!!!

I have NEVER been this happy since my wedding day.. it's the BEST feeling in the WORLD!!!!It takes most people 6 months and for some it never happens, we are blessed. It took us 2 years, countless exams and procedures, 2 IVF cycles later and we finally got our very own BFP!!!! I was screaming I am PREGNANT and dancing from the moment we got out of bed (neither of us could go back to sleep after that kind of news this morning!!) I was screaming it in my car all the way to work today so that once I got here I can contain myself.. so far so good!! I am glad I have made so many GREAT friends from my boards and can share the news with them!!! Thank you ladies for ALL your support!! I am walking around with a BIG FAT GRIN on my face because haven't you heard... I am PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6dp5dt - losing hope.....

I have just driven my commute to work in tears,I missed my exit and ended up having to go all the way around and being late for work. I POAS yet again and the line is not much different than yesterday. Still very faint. On top of that my head hurts and I am warm which normally points to my period approaching. D tells me to be happy with the line we got and not to read too much into it not getting darker, it's still there and that's what counts. I wish it was that easy... I hope to be happily surprised this time and that my mind is playing tricks with me because she cannot believe that this is actually happening. Only time will tell.

Tomorrow I have a 9am appointment at my clinic for my extra progesterone shot and as AF is due Saturday they might get me to test now even though it's earlier than last time. We will see what happens tomorrow and take it from there. Right now I wish I could be home, close the curtains, go to bed and sleep all of this off.....

5dp5dt - another faint line.. a little darker!!

This morning I was up at 5. Mainly because I think I have finally discovered what I am allergic to: Eggs! Yesterday I made a Frittata (Italian omelet) and cracked the eggs myself and took the eggs in my hand and threw them in the bin. At 5 am I woke up and my right hand was completely covered with blisters. My left is all clear, thank God but my right is covered and swollen. So at least now I know what I am allergic too (yuck about the blisters on my hand!!)

After falling back to sleep my alarm woke me up at 6.30 - POAS time, followed by progesterone time and sleep until 7.30 (work time). So I POAS, inserted the progesterone and miraculously fell back to sleep. When the alarm went off again I literally jumped off the bed, sprinted to the toilet and looked. There they were, two lines again. Slightly darker than yesterday. I knew they would not be super dark and that it takes time so I know to be happy with this. I hope and pray tomorrow brings up a clearer and darker line so we can relax a bit. Right as if, I know myself and even if the line does get darker I won't be relaxed until I get my beta results. Yeah right.. I know I won't be relaxed until my baby (ies) is born!!! :))))

The cutest thing of the day was D's face when I came back from the toilet. He was waiting to hear if it got darker and when I told him it did, even if only slightly, he smiled, kissed me and went back to sleep. I love him so much.

I am not seeing double....

Forgive me for this but here it goes.....WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Here is the story behind the above. I wake up this morning and like every morning for the last week or so, I run to the toilet and POAS, leave the test and go back to bed. Now I have to underline I always do this. I go back to check in an hour or so and for the last 3 days.. there was that lone line. Well today I am sitting on the toilet and I pick up the test all so nonchalantly and there it is that faint but definite second line. I am screaming. I turn the test one way, the other, the other again, I look at it and the line is still there. I picture it and send it to D. (thank God for blackberries!!) He IM me telling me what is it suppose to mean. I call him and he can see it too.

I spend the next 10 minutes on the floor of my toilet praying to God that this is not a false positive but indeed a real BFP.. or at least the beginning of one. All last night before sleep I kept on praying to God, and I mean really praying, for a sign. For something that would make me believe that this could really be the time we get pregnant. I am so thankful for this sign... oh I am so so thankful. I keep running to the toilet to see it. I keep picking it up and looking at it... and yup the second line is there. I am tempted to POAS again but I am scared the diluted urine of the day won't show anything as this morning test's was done with FMU... and it's still early to be getting a BFP.. I know that!!! I will diligently wait until tomorrow morning and be thankful for what I got today..

On another news... I GOT A FAINT BFP!! (nothing is more important today!!!) This is such a roller coaster!!!

panicked...

Like I have said I have turned into a paranoid freak as of today! I keep thinking if the embryos are implanting as they should be or .. The worst.. I keep thinking if this will be the month we our first positive test.. or.. I gave in and tested again and of course it's still BFN.. I started cramping again now and wonder this is now!! Whether the embryos are snuggling in nice and well..or.. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up when the BFP is ready to be here!! I wish I could forward the clock.. Or at least hurry it up until then!! What I know I destined for is a long wait .. Of I don't even know how many days!! That reminds me the clinic did not call me with my date!!I told you.. Losing my mind!!

3DP5DT paranoia has set in...

Ok, so here we are 3dp5dt and I am so happy I took 2 extra days off work.. best two days off I have ever taken... Not having to stress about work right now really helps. Yesterday afternoon I had dizzy spell, I was standing up next to D in the kitchen while he was cooking and all of a sudden I felt like I needed to sit down or I was going to pass out. Then during the afternoon out of the blue I felt like AF was coming and got cramps here and there. Nothing major but then again when I get AF I don't get bad cramps until the second day. It was weird. I really hope it's a good sign and not a sign that I have been on "sofarest" for too long!!

This morning I POAS again today but it was still a BFN. Paranoia has set in though. I have fished out the pregnancy test at least 4 times just to see if that little second line was coming up.. so far nothing. I am tempted to test again tonight but then I know that if I start doing that I will want to do that every day and then I will run out of tests. I know it's still early days and that most people don't get a BFP this early but this time I really wanted to be one of those super lucky women who get a BFP as soon after transfer as possible!! Let's hope tomorrow is the day, in the meantime I am sitting here eating pineapple and watching happy movies hoping the happiness I feel watching these movies will impact my chances... oh lord I have really gone and lost my mind!!

Just to keep track of things...(I know.. insane!!)

21st Jan - 0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
22nd Jan - 1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
23rd Jan -2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
24th Jan - 3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
25th Jan - 4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
26th Jan - 5dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells 27th Jan - 6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
28th Jan - 7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
29th - 8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
30th Jan - 9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

2DP5DT ... a say a lil' prayer...

Please God give me the strength to get through this week.
Give me the strength to accept that things are the way they are.
Let me try and relax and not obsess over every little possible sign/symptom.
Give me hope that eventually we will hold our own babies in our arms and that even if things look bleak... we will keep the faith.
Don't let me forget to thank D for all of his support and for always being there for me every step of the way. For never giving up and for all of his love.

1dp5dt

I am suffering because of swollen and painful gland on the left side of my neck. No idea why it hurts but I know it started the day before ET, I was eating lunch at work and all of a sudden I felt the pain coming on. From then on it's just gotten worse. Last night I woke up in tears because of it. I ended up caving in and taking a panadol for the pain and ended up falling back to sleep .. get this.. sucking my thumb! Now, I haven't done this since I was 2 years old or something like that! It helped though.. I was telling D this morning after I woke him up at 9 am on our weekend.. he was not impressed! I hope it goes away on its own the thought of having to take anything to make it go away scares me and I simply don't want to do anything that will harm the possibility of the babies implanting! It feels better today so hopefully the worst is gone and by tomorrow I will be brand new again.

I am taking it very easy again today. I woke up and listened to my meditation which is now all about visualising the babies implanting in my endometrium!! At least this time I can really picture them as these little beam of light... it's easier to do. I am still pigging out on pineapple must have eaten half of it in the last day.

D is going all healthy pregnancy conscious on me, it's so cute. So this morning he left me home alone whilst he has gone to do some food shopping. He wrote all sort of recipes last night. He kept on asking me if I was allowed this and if I was allowed that. It was so cute! I am truly and utterly BLESSED!!! I am not sure if I wrote this yesterday, as we were at the clinic early yesterday we noticed that there was an operation going on and guess what the husband was outside the room. The nurse told me the woman was getting and ER. The husband was in the same waiting area as us together with another couple I have seen before. The husband was on his blackberry a lot. I was thinking, come on man, your wife is in there getting her eggs out so that you can have a baby and you are out here playing with your blackberry. When the nurse came to get him he was almost annoyed he had to go in. Even DH was saying what an ass he was. Now D has always told me that the ER is not a fun thing to see and experience but even after last time, he still came in this time around. He tells me he wants to make sure I am ok, he could not stand the idea of being outside whilst I am going through something like this. We are lucky our clinic allows for our husbands to be in the room for every procedure, and this ass did not go in! It just confirmed even more to me, how lucky I really am to have such a wonderful and amazing husband and best friend!!

In other news, the POAS marathon carries on and this morning with FMU it came back with one line only so the trigger must be out of my system. Yesterday's stick was also fading and today's one line test must only mean one thing. WOOHOO! I did take the trigger a week ago today so that must be it, it's out and any BFP I get from now on must be a REAL one! I know it's early days but I am determined to keep testing and keep checking until I see that one BFP.. cannot wait for that day!

It's THE day!!!!

It's ET day and all went beautifully!! We were able to transfer 2 beautiful expanded blastocysts. The doctor advised we transfer the two that were at blosto stage, the other 4 were still developing but were behind schedule and the two blasts were EXCELLENT!!! So that's what we did!! This time we even saw them going in. It was magical. We saw the first one like a little beam of light and then two second later the second one also a little beam of light! It was the cutest thing in the world... I was holding D's hand and we were both looking at the screen thinking .. life is AMAZING! The doctor gave me a shot of progesterone to add more just in case it's needed. I will go for another shot next week Thursday. It hurt like hell.. respect and my hat off to all you ladies out there who do this every day for two weeks or more!!

Now I am at home, watching movies, doing my meditation, eating pineapple and rubbing my belly! I pray that this is really it and that soon enough we will get the BFP we have been waiting for the last 2 years... Life is surely good for us today. Now I am officially in the 2ww and pregnant until proven otherwise!! Love it!!

Ps

the pic is of the fake tatoo I put on the side of my belly last night for luck...!!!

not a good day....

I need to vent… Ok, so today I get an email from a girl who I write to but whom I have never met. She is also doing IVF at the same clinic as me and we just write each other updates and stuff like that. Today she told me that our doctor told her that they have passed a new law that says that fertility clinics cannot keep frozen embryos anymore. So all 10,000 or so embryos that are kept in clinics across the country will be destroyed. They also said that we cannot take our current embryos out of the country! I am outraged! We have 4 snowbabies and knowing that they will be destroyed kills me. And also the ones from this cycle would be destroyed instead of kept for later use. I just think it’s ridiculous and criminal!

Anyway, so that is one issue, then I tell her that the embryologist has suggested, given my history etc that we put back 3. She comes back to me telling not to do it and not to listen to the doctors and to think of the risks to me and the babies. Now I know this is because she lost her twins during the 6th month of her pregnancy but everyone is different and a miscarriage could have happened even if it was a single baby. My mom had a miscarriage at 5 months and she had not undergone IVF or anything like that, if it’s meant to be unfortunately it will be. I understand what she wanted to say but I think that we are not all the same and if my doctors believe that I am a good candidate for a 3 blasts transfer. My doctor has been very conservative in her decisions and would never take risks with my health or that of my future babies. If tomorrow she advises we transfer 3 I will trust her decision. I feel like a nervous wreck now, can’t concentrate and feel like all will go wrong and then we won’t have any snowbabies left. I hate this!!!

We are set for a 5 day transfer!!!!!

The clinic called and we are set for a 5 day transfer!!! Apparently 6 out of the 8 embryos are of excellent quality so far and great candidates for a 5 day transfer!!! WOOOHOOO!!! I was jumping and screaming of joy down the phone in my office!!! I am ecstatic!! The nurse said that the embryologist would recommend we transfer 3. Now, we have not even said we were thinking of 3 and here he comes and tells us it's better to transfer 3 so that must be faith right?! We are still going to ask and follow our RE's advice and follow what she says. She is conservative in her decisions and so far she has never made a decision for us that we later regretted, she has been spot on all the way!! We trust her 100% so if on Thursday she says let's transfer 3 we will, if she says let's transfer 2 we will do that... We will do the transfer on Thursday the 21st of June at 1pm!! It sounds like a GREAT time to be making babies!!!

I say this and of course have been obsessing all day Gooogling "3 blasts transfers", "risks of a 3 blasts transfers" "how many embryos to transfer on day 5?" you get the picture! Am I any wiser? Nope. Am I more freaked out? Yup. Morale of the story.. keep away from Google and trust what knowledgeable and experienced doctors and trust their decision! I feel better.

I also did something else tonight. I POAS. I know you must be thinking the woman is nuts! The embryos are not even in yet and she is testing?! This woman needs help!!! Ok, the reason I am doing it is because this time around I am going on a POAS marathon. I am planning on testing every day from the day of the transfer. I want to monitor when the trigger is out of my system and when I can start getting real BFPs. So today I POAS and guess what.. I got my very first BFP!! Of course it's fake but it's so amazing to see those two lines there. I never got a BFP before so to see those two lines there gave me the biggest smiles. I walked into DH who was playing on the Wii and I announce :" Sweetie pie, guess what? I am pregnant!" He was laughing so bad and of course said that this just goes to show what a crazo I really am..

PS

The Gatorade picture is because Gatorade rocks!!I am no longer bloated!!! Love the stuff! I am still drinking it just to be sure!!!

waiting... waiting ... waiting...

Today I woke up and feel so much better! The bloating is mostly gone and I am no longer in pain. TMI alert - I even went to the toilet this morning so I feel much more lighter!!! I am going to stick to eating proteins and drinking gatorade for the rest of the day and tomorrow. I want to be as healthy as possible for the transfer day!!

Now I've just made my usual morning call to my clinic to find out how our embryos are doing today. All is ok but the nurse said that the embryologist wants to see the embryos today before deciding whether we go ahead with a day 5 transfer. After many questions the nurse said that he was pretty confident yesterday that they will be ok for a day 5 transfer but that he wants to see them again today before deciding for sure. Of course, you know what that means: PANIC!!! What does that mean? Could they do a transfer on day 4? I have never heard of that before?? Of course I Googled it and it seems that it's done but I am not convinced that's what I am comfortable with... Anyway, I am going to hope and pray that he says that the embryos are doing fine and that they are growing and multiplying as they should, ready for a day 5 transfer! Please, please, please let this be the case!!!The nurse will call me around 6 this evening to let me know how things look and what we should be getting ready for. It's going to be a long day in my world....

You know the funny thing about all this is that I feel like I have asked for all of this "trouble". After our first cycle that's what I kept on wishing for and now it's all coming true. Our first cycle went so well, it was scary. We had no problems getting the injections done, we had more follicles than we had expected given my diminished ovarian reserve, the ER went so smoothly that I was up and running on the same day, the ET was magical. The end result was a negative. Given everything going so well for the entire cycle, had us both fooled that it would be a positive result. The reality of a negative beta was crashing and heartbreaking. It felt as if someone had taken away a piece of my heart away. So for this "lucky cycle" all I wished for was lots of ups and downs to begin with but a HAPPY ending. Well so far my wish has come true and some... so I hope and pray that the end will be the one we yearn for.....

We got 8 embryos!!!!

I started this blog saying how I am feeling bloated and tired and constipated. Then I got a call from my clinic... out of the 9 they injected 8 took and are growing!!!! I am so over the moon with that!!! She also said that we are on course for a 5 day transfer!!! I am on cloud 9, the pain and constipation is gone.. all I have is a BIG FAT smile on my face!!! We got 8... we got 8!!! Keep growing embryos and keep strong...!!!! The transfer is set for Thursday the21st. We don't have a time yet but we should know more tomorrow!!!

Now DH and I are debating how many to put in. God and universe willing, we will have 3 blasts to chose from on Thursday. DH wants to put in 3 great looking blasts, I am thinking of putting back 2 great blasts and 1 not so good blast. I know last time we put in 2 day 3 embryos and they did not take and that my diminished ovarian reserve is just going to get worse and that the percentage of getting triplets is 5% or something like that, so I should not panic! We will discuss things with Dr. S. and see what she suggests we do. She has been right so far and I trust her judgement 100%, so if she says that 3 is the "magic number" 3 it will be!!

I am off to get some Gatorade as I am bloated and constipated! I don't think it's OHSS as it feels more like constipation but ER was tough this time around and the effects of that plus all the suppositories I took on the actual ER day and now the progesterone might be having an impact on my body.. So better be safe than sorry!! I want to be super ready for Thursday!!!

9 out of 10 were injected with ICSI.. fert report.. tomorrow morning!!!

Ok, this morning I feel much better. I managed to get up in time for work and managed to make it to work on time. Yesterday feels like one long hazy day. I mean the time between my ER and 8 pm last night just flew by for me. I remember waking up after the ER and feeling so much pain. I was tossing and turning and tossing and turning but nothing could stop the aching. I then remember talking to D briefly. I started coming around more and more and by the time they got me to move to the waiting room I was in a better state. I was all covered up in my blanket as I was cold. I open a little parenthesis here, ladies if you are reading this and still waiting to go in for your ER these are the essentials you NEED to bring with you:

1. wear comfy clothes and shoes that are easy to slip on and off;


2. bring a blanket with you and after the ER let your husband cover you with it - it's just so comforting;


3. bring a panty liner with you to wear after ER - you are likely to have a little bit od spotting so a panty liner should cover that;


4. make sure you DH is with you (or if he is not allowed to be in with you during the ER have him wait for you after)


5. make sure you take the day off work - there is no way you can work on that day and your doc will happily write you a sick note;


6. make sure you rest after the ER and that you take it easy - putting a heating pad on your belly helps relieve pain;


7. drink plenty of liquids as you are probably disidrahitated

I have done this twice and this time I was prepared!!! Well, I was prepared in terms of things to bring but of course I was not prepared to be in that much pain. According to D, I was in pain on the right because my cervix was in the way and I was in pain on the left as my follicles were positioned very high up in my ovaries. Anyway at one stage, and I vaguely remember this, I said I was waking up and so they gave the full amount of the anethetic and I was out cold. Whether last time I was asking D questions, this time he said my eyes were rolling back and I my lips turned really white! I was out cold. At least I stopped feeling pain. I started coming around but much slower than last time. Then once I was more conscious I got dresssed but then I layed down again and fell in and out of sleep. I was like this until around 8 oclock .

In the end we were waiting to see the creation of the embryos like we did last time. The embryologis has a video and the film is transmitted into the recoverying room. This time he was late and as we had not eaten yet and I was still in zombie land, we decided to go home. We hate and then I got on my online to write on here. I have to say that I don't remember much of that either!! Scary!!

This morning I woke up and I felt better. My belly is still sore at times but I do feel much better, especially as I am sober! LOL!! I knew I had to wait for the call of the doctors but I could not so I made it to 9.40 and then I called them. I spoke to the embryologist's right hand woman and she told me that all looks great and that they worked late that's why they did not call. Anyway, she told me that yes I understood right, they got 10 eggs! Out of those 10 wonderful eggs, 9 were mature for ICSI!! That is pretty amazing considering we were thinking we were going to get a max of 7 eggs! I wanted to get the first fert report but because they worked late last night, she will check on the 9 embryos this evening and then will update me tomorrow morning first thing!! I cannot wait to hear how our babies are doing!! I am thinking of them strong and healthy..!!! She told me that as we did not see the video she took a recording for us and she will burn it on a cd so we can keep it! I am so happy and cannot wait to see it!! Last time it was just magical (perhaps it was the drugs) and I am sure this time will be even more so!!!!

I told her that we are planning on doing a blast transfer on day 5, now we just need to hope that 3 make it to that stage so we can transfer all 3!! I know it's risky as we could end up with triplets but the possibility of that it's rare considering I have never been pregnant before and that all the problems with our fertility are dependent on me. We still need to run this by our doctor, so we need to wait and see what she recommends but we will push for a 3 blast transfer!!

Even after all the pain and stress of yesterday, I am exuberant today. Knowing that on the other side of the city in a clean and organised lab, our 9 embryos are growing strong, waiting to be transferred back on Thursday. Grow embryos grow!!!

ladies and gentlemen... we have 10 eggs!!!

I won't write too much as I am still drugged up but I wanted to let you know that we got 10 eggs!! Not 6 or 7 but a whopping 10!!! We are both over the moon with this result!!!ER hurt a lot more than last time.. at one stage I announced I was waking up so the increased my dosage and was out again. It took me 2 hours in the recovery room to come around this time!!! I was talking nonsense to poor D. He stood by me through it all.. he really is an amazing man and I am one lucky lady to have him as my husband. I have started progesterone suppositories tonight.. bring on the loopy side of my ivf cycle.. progesterone makes me go crazy I tell you!! Anyway I am off to bed night... sweet dreams to all!!

we are so blessed....

We just got back from the er and I am still drugged up! They need to give me a higher dose than last time as I was in agony. Anyway it tool me a good two hours to get back on my feet and get dressed. The embryologist was late so we did not get to see the conception moment but they will save us a video of it! Anyway here are the numbers you have been waiting for.. We got 10 eggs!! I am over the moon with this result!! We though of getting a lot less but 10 is amazing!! We are now waiting to hear the fer report tomorrow!!! Let's hope it comes as good as good we expect it!!! Now I am off bed as I am still 'off my head'!!! Thanks for your support and reading my progress it means the world!!

ready or not ER day is upon us!!

So the day is finally here!! We are just wasting time at home until we have to go in at 3.30! I am a bundle of nerves as usual.. My stomach is playing up and I just cannot wait to get this party started already! Last time I was so drugged up I did not feel a thing,so I hope for a repeat of that feeling! I am so anxiuos to knoe how many embryos we got this time and how many fertilise tomorrow! I sit here waiting and praying for a good outcome! I will try update you on how things went and how many eggs we got after but will probably be so drugged up I'll have to leave it till tomorrow! Wish me luck!

we are ready to trigger!!!!!!

When you wish for something and it does come true, it feels like a small miracle.. and today I got my miracle! I went to the u/s all worried about the results of the Estrogen test and worried that the follicles would not be ready.. well I was wrong!! The Estrogen is Excellent, not good or great but Excellent! It was a high number something like 3700 and my doctor was really happy with it. My endometrium looks nice and thick and exactly how she wants it to be. The follicles on my right ovary look ready and measure 18 -16. The "lazy" left side follicles still look small but we have one good follicle measuring at 18, the rest are still too small. But we don't mind. We know we have enough to work with and I am confident in my doctor's abilities in extracting them so that they are all intact.

We trigger tomorrow morning at 5 am. We will have to wake up at 4.30 so that I get enough time to ice and so that D can get the Pregnyl ready for the 5 am injection time. Icing my leg at 5 4.45 in the morning is going to be a B*&^ but it's all for a good cause!! We will then be ready for the ER on Saturday the 16th at 4pm. I am over the moon that it's an afternoon event rather than first thing in the morning and so i D. Like this we can relax and get ready for it in our time without having to rush.

I remember last ER was quick and painless, I hope and pray for a similar result. Considering I have less eggs it will probably be quicker. D will be in with me again. Bless him last time the whole experience was traumatic for him as I was complaining about the pain towards the end, even though I don't remember this of course. So this time I told him that even if I complain of pain not to worry too much as I won't remember it once I wake up. He said that I kept asking him how many eggs we got. I must have asked him about 50 times!! Right at the beginning I looked at him and asked him: "are you D?" It seemed that I did not recognise him with the whole surgical dress! Another thing I did was ask him to "check on me" after they were done.. again I don't remember this... He said he wished he hadn't of course as things did not look pretty! Poor D!!!

I am going to take an antibiotic from tonight until the night of the retrieval to make sure that all is clear and infection free. I did not take this last time and I think my doctor wants to cover all possibilities this time around. I will also take a pain killer on the day of ER like I did last time. My diary is filled with information. If there is one advice that really helped me in this process more than any others is: Get a diary! I take it with me to all my appointments and it helps so much to remind me of what to do and when. If I didn't have it, there would be no way I would remember when my next appointment is or what injection to take when... it's my life saver!

I rejoice today as all is good in our world . I am thankful to have such a wonderful husband by my side.. I am one lucky lady!!

one more day....

Ok so I went to the doctor's this morning and my follies are still are not quite ready yet. So tonight we had another set of menopur and gonapetly. At the clinic I had my blood taken to see how my E2 levels look before my doc makes a decision either way about whether we triggger or not. The count today showed a total of 5/6 follies on the right and 1 on the left. The left ones are really high up and therefore not good according to my doc.Anyway things are looking almost ready and that is what counts! I am not feeling too great I have a sensitive stomach and at the least bit of change I am effected by it. So haven't being able to eat much today! I hope tomorrow is a better day!

New Year's resolutions for 2010...

A friend of mine sent me an " Handbook for 2010" and some of those "rules" hit home. The ones that stuck with me and that I hope to bring with me in 2010 are:

- Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
- Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
- Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
- Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
- Dream more while you are awake
- Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
- No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
- Each day give something good to others.
- Try to make at least three people smile each day.
- Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
- However good or bad a situation is, it will change...
- No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
- The best is yet to come..
- Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

And also, slow down on the road and stop getting speeding tickets.... I promise!!! :))))

Help, I am bloated!!!!

Today we had our second u/s. I took my time to get there and left lots of extra time to look for parking. If there is one thing I hate is rushing especially now. I would rather get there early but at least I know I am not rushing. So I left D sleeping and ventured to this second scan on my own. As many of you girls know, nothing really happens at these scans and as I have to take time away from work to do it, I would rather be just me rather than both of us.

Anyway given the fact I am feeling tight and sore I thought my follicles were going to be matured but no suck luck. I have to say the u/s are getting uncomfortable now and I am not looking forward to the next one..ouch!!!The right is looking better with 4 leading follicles measuring at 10-13 and the lazy left has 3 leading follies measuring between 8-10. The uterine wall looks good for this part of the cycle and the doctor seemed happy with its measure. Given my follies are still small, she wants me to increase the Menopur to 450iu to see if this helps get the follicles where they have to be before ER. We are scheduled in for another u/s on Wednesday and hopefully things look good to trigger.

I was on 450iu of Menopur whole of last cycle and we had to "coast" for one day at the end as my follicles were looking almost ready, so I am used to the extra dose but considering the discomfort I am in now I don't even dare to think what I will be like tomorrow!! I am taking it very easy and I try to stay off my feet most of the time but even getting up and sitting down hurts. I don't remember feeling like this last cycle! I told the doctor and she said to take it easy and drink plenty of water, which I am doing. I hope and pray that Wednesday things look so good that we can trigger for ER.. only time will tell now!!

Massages are the way forward...!!!

Ladies get massaged!! This is my new advice to those who want to listen!! After debating in my head if I was going to screw up our entire cycle and ruin our chances of getting pregnant this month I went to my salon and asked for a massage as I was getting my mani and pedi done. I told the girls that I could not use oils and one of the girls said I could ask for a dry massage! So that's what I got! I was so relaxed knowing I was not harming my chances and extra comfortable and unwound by the actual massage!! She applied preassure all over my neck and back .. it was a dream! I feel so much lighter and my head does not hurt at all.. I am thinking of going in again next week.. ER permitting!!

Another thing that is different this cycle is how tired I feel these days. Normally on a week night I can stay up until midnight and wake up with no major issues the next morning at 7.30 am. Now I am ok until around 9 pm! I would be watching a movie with D and then all of a sudden I am off in dreamland! D would be talking to me and then realise I am dozing off. I am not going to make a big deal about it and not even going to try to resist it, if my body needs rest in this mammoth task I am going to give it all the rest and relaxation it needs.

I am also happy to report that the injections are going great! Icing and taking it slow really seems to be doing the trick!! My muscles hurt the next day but that is because the menopur is done IM, they hurt last time too!! I am looking forward to my check up tomorrow and to hear how our little follicles are doing!! It's bizarre to get attached to follicles and yet I am falling into the trap.. yet again!!

we got follicles!!!!

Last night went so well in terms of injections!! I iced the area well for 10 minutes, put on Friends to distract myself and then when my leg felt unbelievably cold DH did the first injection and I did not feel it going in!! DH said that this time he did it very slowly and gently and I told him that this is the way forward!! I was so relieved. Then he did the Menopur and I did not feel it go in either!! It was amazing!! If it wasn't for the little bit of blood afterwards I could not believe he had done it!! Great night!!

This morning we went for our first ultrasound and after much looking around (got to love those moments...) all looks great for this part of our cycle. As last time we have more follicles on the right (5) and less on the left (4) but overall things are looking good. Last time I was on Menopur for 7 days before we triggered but this time it might be a bit longer as my dosage are lower. She wants to see us again on Monday morning and see how things look like.She thinks that we will do the ER between the 15-18 of January. Only time will tell!!!

To treat myself and as D is going to play some football with his friends tonight, I am going for a mani/pedi and massage! I am planning to have a neck and shoulders massage but now I don't know if I should as I read that oils can effect IVF (googling this did not give me straight answers!) and from what I gather I should stay away from aromatherapy oils! If I freak out too much I am just not going to do that and will just go for the mani/pedi! I am tempted to go for Get Lucky on my nails but I think it will be too cheesy!! LOL

blood....

Ok so after the highs of the previous night, last night was like a horror movie!! D got all the meds ready in record time.. everything was ready in 7 minutes!! He was so proud of himself!!! He did my microdose first as usual and it was painful but bearable. Then he went on to do the Menopur and it was ok at first but it hurt like hell going in and I flinched. D said not to move but I did and so when he took the needle out a lot of blood came cashing out. It was so scary, D looked pale and I kept telling it was ok! Anyway, it stopped shortly after and I immediately got bruises in both injection sites. I iced the area for another 10 minutes and then put on an heating pad for good measure. I went to do my nightly meditation which relaxed me and put me right at easy. I listen to it twice a day, one whilst I am work during my lunch break and then at night after the injections. I am still on Hitting your Mark.. From shots to retrieval!! I'll post the link so others who are not familiar with Anji can "get relaxed too"!

Today I didn't get a lump which is good but two bruises. Oh well like a good friend of mine reminded me .."no pain no gain"!! So I take the pain and hope that tomorrow's first follicles scan shows some gain!!

It's almost time for the dreaded injections.. wish me luck and please let there not be blood!!

Day 4 of injections and things are looking up...

After the first two initial days of D being worried of hurting me and me being scared of feeling pain, we have now settled into a nice little routine again and yesterday was a good day. D started getting all the needles ready at about 7.30pm. He cleaned the table, dried it, got all the menopur bottles lines up and ready and cleaned their tops. He then started mixing the medication. He is a MASTER at this now. He is so quick at it and never wastes any of the precious medicine! Then at 7.40 he announced he was ready. So I started icing my right leg. I iced for 10 minutes until my skin started to go blue.. I know I am a wimp! Then I told him I was ready! So we positioned ourselves and I distracted myself looking at the tv. Held my breath as the needle went in and breathed out as the liquid was inserted in and then injection number one was done. Then I iced my other part of my leg and was ready for injection number 2. Same procedure and wham.. we were done!! No pain and no harm! We were both so relieved that things are falling into place and that we are getting back into the injection routine!

Two more days worth of shots before we are going back to the doctors to see how our follicles are doing. I pray they are growing and maturing as they should be...only two more days till we find out. In the meantime we hope and we pray that this is the case....

This morning I came accross this beautiful poem...

I am sure others have already read it and loved it too.. this is for those who have not come across it yet. It has warmed up my soul this January morning and filled me with hope.. I hope it does the same to yours....

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be just as good a mother.

It will be not because of genetics, or money or
that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for
the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given
me this insight, this special vision with which I will
look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

D, what shall we have for dinner tonight??

D: "what is that next to the eggs?"

L: "four doses of Menopur!"

D: "Menopur on spaghetti it is then!"

my hero....

Ok, in my mind yesterday was a good day. We got the all clear to start our second cycle. At around 4 pm yesterday D sends me an IM telling me is freaking out about the injections. Last cycle he did all of my injections including the trigger and even though at the beginning mixing the menopur and injecting it as an IM injection was a trying experience for us both, by the third day we worked out a routine and he was a pro! It only started to hurt towards the end as the muscles in my legs were so tired from all the injections. So to hear he was preoccupied with the injections was a surprised to me. I reassured him and told him that he has the gentlest of touches and that he was a pro last time and will be a pro this time!! I trust him 100 %! I offered to do the micro dose injection myself so that he could concentrate on the menopur instead. He said that the injection part makes him feel like he is part of the process, that he is involved in the IVF cycle. His fears come from the thought that he might be hurting me.

I feel for him so much. I can emphasise with him. If it was the other way around and I had to be the one giving him the injections, I would probably feel the same. I would fear administering the injections and fear causing him added pain. I hope to be doing the best I can to show him that he is not causing me harm, but he is making my life so much easier....I would hate to have to give myself the injections. I cannot even look when he does it!! If it wasn't for him I would have to go to the clinic everyday or find a nurse to do them and I know that his injections hurt less than the nurse's because he does them with all the love and affection of this world!!

After the first injection was over he looked more relived. I reassured him that it did not hurt one bit and that he still has his magic touch!! He started to look a normal pink colour which was reassuring to me!!LOL Tonight we start Menopur which has to be administered as an IM injection. Oh the many joys of IVF!! I am sure it'll be OK and even better tomorrow and the day after... I never stop thanking my lucky star for D..I am one lucky lady!!

Starting IVF cycle number 2 - the lucky cycle!!

OK so this morning I went to the clinic. I wanted to be brave and go by myself as we have been through this before there is not for both of us to miss work together. So of course I make it there on time but I cannot find parking. I scream in my car for 20 minutes and then end up dumping my car in the middle of the road.. hoping it's still there by the time I get back.

I make it to the appointment and I am ready. As usual my RE goes through my history and overviews the previous cycle. To her the failure of my last cycle is still a mystery and she is more determined than ever to get this one to be the one that works. I love the attitude and it does rub off on me!!

I then have my usual u/s, the joys of having internal u/s during my period are endless. Not surprisingly there isn't much activity in my ovaries. She prints out the pics of my ovaries and my uterus and I get dressed. She then takes out my schedule plan, finally I will know what drugs I will be on and how much!!! I am hoping that given my good results this month, the dosage will be less than in cycle one. I am also secretly hoping for one of those gonal f pens... they look so easy and simple!!! Well I am lucky but not 100% lucky.. I did get a lower dosage instead of the 600 iu of menopur I will be starting on 400 iu of menopur and then the usual microdose luprong everyday but I didn't get the gonal f pen...!

Next check up will be on Sat afternoon and I cannot wait to see how things go!!! In the meantime, I am going to take it easy and avoid stress, I will do my visualisation twice a day or at least once a night and take things easy generally. I will try to eat more protein and drink only decaf coffee. I will concentrate on the positive and avoid negative influences.. I will pray to God and the universe to grant us this miracle...The rest is not in my hands.....

first post of 2010

Af showed up today and tomorrow I go to the clinic to do my baseline u/s and to get my schedule for this cycle. DH and I are filled with hope that the next cycle will be THE one that works!! I remember last cycle we were much more hyper but this time we are keeping our feet firmly on the ground. But we are nonetheless filled with anticipation! I wonder what drugs I will be on and when and mostly how will my ovararies react to the drugs this time around!! Only time will tell.. One more sleep till injection time!!