The time has finally come for us to start planning Peanut's nursery. When I read other people's blogs and see that they have already bought cribs, dressers, clothes and all we have is a car seat and its bases I am panicked! Our Peanut is going to sleep in her car seat and her pram if it gets here before she is born!! Before getting pregnant when we were still TTC I used to think that the minute we got pregnant we would get all we needed and how much fun it would all be. Now that I am pregnant I am scared of buying anything and I think 100 times before making up my mind. Take my pram and car seat research. It took me 4 months to find and finally buy a pram and a car seat. I always knew I was a picky buyer but this is takes the biscuit! I think it's not just me being picky though, it's also the fact that I don't want to get too carried away. I know this is the exact time to get carried away but I am scared that the minute I do something will go wrong. I know its wrong and counter productive to think like this but I cannot help it. I think it's partly to do with what we have been through to get here and partly with my mom's miscarriage.
When my mom was 39 she found out she was pregnant. It was not a planned pregnancy by any means but she was nevertheless excited about it. I was 13 at the time and I remember that on Mother's Day she told me and my brother about the good news. All was going well and the same day my mom took out all our old baby clothes to wash them she also went for her routine scan. I remember my brother coming to get me to go home and he looked as if he had seen a ghost. When I went into the kitchen my mom was sitting down crying uncontrollably. The baby that was so healthy during the previous exams no longer had a heartbeat. She was 5 months pregnant. The same week my mom went in the hospital to have the deliver her baby. A month earlier she had an amniocentesis to see that all was ok and as she was 39 it was done as a routine. She received the results by mail two weeks after she lost the baby. The baby was healthy and showed no health problems. He was a baby boy and he would now be 17. He was due in October just like our Peanut.
I still get teary thinking back and seeing my mom go through that kind of a loss. It must have been so hard for her to pick herself up from all of this and go on with her life. I remember she was sad for a long time after the loss and I am sure she still think about the "what ifs". When I do tell her of my fears I never go into any details because I am too scared to bring back painful memories. She keeps telling me that our baby is there and strong and that I just need to keep thinking about that. She is one amazing woman my mom. I wish she could see me pregnant but as we live in different countries and my doctor has advised against travel during my pregnancy unless it's necessary, I will not be able to fully share my pregnancy with her. I wish she could come visit but it's too hot for her and especially my dad here during the summer. I keep on updating her with pictures of my bump and ultra sound pictures but somehow the idea of my mom touching my belly and make it all ok would really help.
In a way I have answered my own question with this post. I am not buying because when my mom started buying and getting ready that's when she lost her baby and subconsciously that's what I am scared of. I am scared of going through what my mom went through, of getting carried away and get ready for a baby that never was. When I was thinking like this last night and telling D part of what my fears are (I could not say this to him face to face) our little Peanut started kicking badly as if to say" Mamma stop talking non-sense!! I am here to stay!!!" I have said it before, our daughter is way ahead of me and she is already telling me how things are. I am so in love with her.
So as you can see I am making a big effort to let go and to get carried away and hopefully this weekend can start looking at colours for the nursery and maybe start thinking of what kind of furniture apart from her crib we want to have in there. I have ideas for the walls but I don't know exactly how it's going to work. I always tell myself to take it one step at the time... so for once I will follow my own advice and take it one step at the time. Cribs and colours and furniture can wait until I am ready. Tomorrow we go see our RE for a routine visit and quick u/s and I cannot wait to see Peanut. Seeing her and hearing her heartbeat always puts my mind at ease. I know it won't be a long u/s but just a quick one, the BIG 20 week one is next week. I also dreading this appointment because I need to tell my doctor that I cannot keep seeing her and the hospital where I will deliver and that I will probably start going just to the hospital. Wish me luck!