Yesterday D and I went to Ikea to buy some bits and pieces for our new home. Here we are walking around looking at furniture and lampshades and all sort of things you can get at Ikea. As we walk around I see a lot of pregnant women. My thought reverted back to my pre-pregnancy one of "Why can't that be me?" Now considering I am 16 weeks pregnant today and showing the beginning of a what a friend calls a "basketball bump" I should not be thinking like this!
The thought occurred to me that I have still not allowed myself to believe I am REALLY pregnant. I am not just imagining it, I am not just hoping it or praying for it... the miracle has happened.. I am pregnant. I suppose spending the last 2 years focusing on getting here has shifted my focus elsewhere. What I am now wondering is if I will ever feel truly pregnant or will I just be as surprised as those women who don't know they are pregnant until they give birth on the toilet?!?!?LOL Don't get me wrong part of me, the part that is attached to Peanut and cannot imagine my life without him/her in it, knows I am pregnant. I know I am putting on weight and that my belly is getting rounder than it has ever been before, that my boobs are getting bigger by the day (I am loving both!!) that I am eating for two and I am so conscious of what is good and bad for the baby.... have not completely lost my mind... yet! I wonder if it's something every pregnant woman goes trough or this weird feeling is reserved for IF pregnant ladies. Any thoughts?
Part of this behaviour is also manifested itself in the fact that I have not bought anything for the baby apart from one onesie. Over the last two years I spent hours thinking about what I would buy and how I would go shopping crazy for the baby and I even bought two funny outfits about 2 years ago when I was still under the illusion we were going to get knocked up at any moment!Now I feel "scared" to buy anything in case I "jinx" things. At first I thought I would wait until the end of the first trimester and now I keep saying I will wait until we know what we are having. Will I start buying things when we know or will our poor Peanut be born with no clothes on his/her back and no where to sleep??!!
Like I have said today I am 16 weeks pregnant and Peanut is growing toenails this week and his/her circulatory system is pumping blood! This week is the week we finally go for another u/s. I think part of my anxiety comes from the fact that we have not been to see Peanut in the last 3 weeks whereas before we used to get a peak every week. I cannot wait to see that all is GREAT and HEALTHY with Peanut. We cannot wait to see how big of a difference three weeks has made in his/her development and we also wonder if we will be able to tell if Peanut is a boy or a girl! We cannot wait for the Wednesday and I am already on countdown mode!!!
I suppose deep down I am know I am pregnant but I need to make more or an active effort to remind myself that it's for real and not just a beautiful dream...