What if I didn’t live in a time and place where ART was an option?
D and I often wonder the "What Ifs" of our story to date. What if we started earlier? What if we didn't move abroad and could not have afforded IVF? What if we lived in a country that allowed you to preserve your embryos for future use? You get the picture. Out of all these Ifs, the one that stands out to me the most is .. What if we lived in a time and place where IVF was not an option?
If I was TTC during my parents years I would probably never be pregnant. I had an great uncle and aunt who never had kids but who adopted instead. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary with that as a child and it wasn't until I grew up that I found out the reason they adopted. My aunt and uncle got pregnant with twins before getting married. In those days having babies out of wedlock was as bad as a sin. So they decided to have an abortion. The person that performed the abortion did a really bad job and as a result my aunt was left infertile. They adopted a little girl years later. I suppose that if D and I lived in those times that's what we would be looking into right now. Instead thanks to modern technology here we are 16 weeks pregnant with our Peanut.
There hasn't been a day that we don't thank our lucky stars for this miracle. We cannot stop saying to everyone who wants to hear it how blessed we really are. Our chances of conceiving looked grim and with a failed IVF cycle behind us we really thought that God might have had a different plan for us. But then we started cycle number 2 and on January 25th we found out that the impossible had indeed become possible. The years of tears, suffering and pain we had just been through now looked light years away because all was good in our world again.
People have already asked me if we will do IVF again for baby number 2 (I am only 16 weeks pregnant with Peanut!!!) Well unless my ovarian reserves magically improves rather than keep on diminishing and my tubes naturally open up than I say, yes IVF is on the cards again. I read that many IVF moms start TTC again as soon as their first baby is born. I think that we might end up being like those people in a year or so. Of course my mind gets clogged up with fresh What Ifs... What if by the time we start TTC again after Peanut is born we find out I have no eggs left? What if I stop working and we cannot afford to pay for IVF again? What if IVF doesn't work again? We were out for dinner recently and someone asked us if we would go through IVF again to add to the family later on and D's reply was realistic and so moving. He said: "Yes we will try IVF again as it worked for us in the end but if it doesn't work again, than we should know not to be too heartbroken because we have been blessed more than many other people for whom it has never worked."
I tell every person that asks me about my pregnancy of how much we wanted this baby, how long we waited for this baby and how if it wasn't for ART and IVF in our case, we would never be pregnant. I am sure the What Ifs will always follow me through life. Even now that I am pregnant I am constantly worrying about Peanut and ask myself... What if something goes wrong? What if there is something wrong with Peanut? I hear from other women that this is yet another "privilege" reserved to us IF women. I suppose we have struggled so much to get to where we are that we are so scared someone is going to take it all away from us at any moment. Ultimately though I cannot help but being thankful that I am struggling with these latest What Ifs, because I am really aware that if we were living in another time we would not be experiencing what we are experiencing now and for that I will forever be grateful.
To know more about infertility please visit the following link www.resolve.org/infertility101 and this url giving the background of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)www.resolve.org/takecharge You can also found out more about the What If project here http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/