December 6, 2009

Feeling the biological clock ticking away....

This is one of the first entries in my diary. It was written before I knew I was infertile… it was still those blissful days when all seemed possible!

I suppose it’s true what they say. When you biological clock starts ticking, you feel it. It’s as if one day you wake up and you feel like you can no longer go on living without a child in your life. Becoming a mother becomes more important than your job, your career aspirations and your entire life up until now. I cannot pinpoint that moment in my life but looking back over the last couple of years, it has started to become a real feeling of yearning. At first it was just a superficial feeling one that you can easily put aside and forget for a couple of months, but then it grew stronger and more intense. I planned on getting pregnant for over a year now. When I say I planned, I really mean I put down a planner and started making changes in my life in preparation of this moment.

In January I was reading an article on how to prepare your body for pregnancy and the ten things you have to do before you get pregnant. Me being a tad neurotic took this a step further and decided to make my own list: 100 things to do before you EVEN think about getting pregnant.

So first on my list was to see my gynecologist. I booked an appoint and got a smear test done, did a full blood count and told my gynecologist that I was planning on getting pregnant and wanted to go off the pill. I had been on the pill for seven years and it had been my salvation. My period before than had been off the charts. It had a life of its own and I was a mere passenger left trailing by. Once I found the right pill, my life was in order. I knew when to expect it and could plan holidays and events around it. It was as if I had a new found freedom. I was no longer surprised by it showing up on my first day of my summer holiday or have to run to the pharmacy for pregnancy tests, even though, given the fact that I am neurotic, I could buy a car with all the money I wasted on pregnancy tests over the years. Pill or no pill. D (my loving and adoring DH) is witness to my madness. He cannot count the amount of worried nights spent thinking of we should do with our imaginary unborn and un-procreated for that matter, son or daughter. The word abortion was mentioned, we were at university and living off student loans and parents financial support. We would always end up saying that we would make it work, it one way or the other it would work. In retrospect, we were precautious; we were careful people, always thinking one step ahead. We never were faced with an unplanned pregnancy so I could be the perfect candidate to stand up and say if you don’t want to get pregnant stay on the pill.

When it came the time to take my last pill pack, I rejoiced. I was like a new person. I no longer had to think about it, whether I took it or missed it. I no longer had to go to the doctor’s every six months and have it prescribed to me. I am one of the safest people you would ever meet. If a law says do this, I will do it. I am uptight. I know deep down I am but would never openly admit to it. So when I went off the pill and was not married I felt like I was breaking a rule. The possibility that I could get pregnant before my wedding and attend the ceremony with a 6 months old belly was appealing and yet very scary thought. We took precautions experimented and saw this transitional stage in our lives as a going back to our roots. It took a lot of adjustments on our parts but we managed to make it fun. Like they say if it’s something you got to do, the least you can do is make it fun. I will leave this to this, D will not be pleased if I go on.

Number two on my list of things to do in preparation of my pregnancy was starting to take pre-conception vitamins and folic acid. I take this with religious regularity. I supposed when I stopped the pill I didn’t know I would start 2 others. I was glad I was taking them. I felt like a healthier person and in fact I don’t think I have ever been healthier in my life. I quit smoking in February 2009. It was a habit that went back 9 years and was a habit that I never enjoyed much. I would do it because everyone did it. I did it to rebel initially and it backfired. On my 18th birthday my parents gave me a packet of cigarettes to show that I was an adult and I could now smoke in front of them. I took them up on it and the habit continued. Now, I have to say that my parents are both non smokers and both know personally the long term impact that cigarettes have on someone. I think their reasoning behind their behavior was that knowing it was no longer a taboo or a secret I would quit. Little did they know I have an easily addictive personality and that I would only quit 9 years later. In my eyes I was one step closer to being a mom!”

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