December 5, 2009

dreaming of being a mom

In Jan 2008 I had this dream, it was the most beautiful and real dream I have ever had. In a weird way it's the dream that started it all... this yearning to become a mom. I wrote it down the next day and I still go back to it when I feel low... So far it's the closest I have ever been to being a mom.
"Last night I dreamed of you both. You were so real and so beautiful. I woke up and I was waiting to hear your voices, come to your rooms and look for you. Wanting to hug you tight and tell you that mummy is here and that it’s all ok.

In my dream you were both on your bikes, playing and chasing each other. I was so relaxed walking alongside my own mum; you were talking, laughing, calling me and telling me to hurry up along with you.

I was looking out into the world with different eyes. I had the mummy lenses on. The world seemed a better place. A more pleasant world. The colours around us were warm oranges, soft yellows. I head warmth in my heart because I had you in my life.

You were both blond with soft curls down your shoulders. You were both suntanned, as if you spent so many days out in the sun, playing and enjoying the outdoors. You would hurry down the road but always come back and do rounds around me. You would tell me to look, to see how fast you were going. You were so happy to be there with me. Your smiles were the sweetest of smiles. Your laughs were the cutest and most sincere laughs I have ever heard.

I wish I was a painter so I could always look at you but I am not. So I am doing the next best thing. I am writing about you and how you made me feel. I am writing so that I don’t forget you. I am writing so that the feelings will live on.

Waking up, being awake now, seems so cruel. The reality of you not been here. The reality that you only existed in my dreams is shattering. Yet in a way reassuring that I can be a mother to you boys, at least in my dreams. "

No comments:

Post a Comment