December 9, 2009

coming to terms with infertility treatments.. my initial thoughts on the subject..

This is another abstract from my diary. I wrote this entry as I started to contemplate the idea of infertility treatments. At this stage we had been TTC for 8 months and nothing was happening so here are my initial thoughts...

" After having gone to see my doctor and investigating why I am no getting pregnant I started to really think of the possibilities of having to go through fertility treatments in order to conceive. Whether before I would think about this as a distant possibility without really thinking about it too much, now the possibility seems so real. I have always been one of those people who advocated for adoption, that I would not go through the process of being poked and looked at by hundreds of doctors and all for a baby. Even the thought of considering the possibility made me feel like a traitor. I thought about what the implications would be of trying fertility treatments on my body and mostly on my soul. The idea of a third party in a white coat playing a pivotal part in the creation of a baby seemed and felt wrong. You have probably already guessed it by now but I am a hypochondriac and as most hypochondriacs will testy to, the internet only makes it worse. If either myself or D suffer from something, as small as a cold, I Google it until I have figured out what we could be facing, how to cure it, how we to handle it, how long the symptoms should last for. Basically everything you need to know about that one condition if you are studying to become a doctor! It’s pure madness! For some reason when entering information online the outcome is always a deadly disease resulting in your ultimate death or amputation or both. D does not even have to ask me if I am going through one of those phases, all he needs to do is look at my face when I am using the computer. I am "blessed" with one of those faces that can tell you exactly how I feel without any effort on my part. It’s not a matter of recognising if I am having a good versus bad day, it’s much more complex than that. If I am having a good day but something or someone is annoying me, that someone would know. If am so pissed one of my stares is capable of scaring even the most hard skinned people I have met. So when I started researching fertility treatments and went all obsessive about it, D could tell I was online googling everything related to those treatments! He said my face was a mix of sheer anxiety, inability to comprehend medical terms and paranoia. When I denied it, my expression was clear indication enough that I was laying through my teeth. The more I read the more I got worried. Even the most straight forward of fertility treatments were accompanied by tons of possible side effects and nightmare scenarios. I never read the more intricate and elaborate of treatments, the ones that are so complicated that they were shortened into acronyms. This madness went on for a couple of months and remember that this was supposed to be my time out form TTC!

I think I have always been naive in my way of thinking. I always thought that babies would just arrive when you started to try, even as I write this I think that eventually my time will come. I suppose I always thought that if you want something hard enough, eventually it will happen. I wish fertility was this easy. Throughout my trials and tribulations though, I cannot help but being hopeful. Hopeful that this month will be the month our respective 'reproductive beings' meet. Hope that my wall is nice and thick, that that the embryo is able to make a nice little nest inside of it. Hope that all the symptoms I feel are symptoms of pregnancy not PMS. Hope that when I pee on that stick and I pray to Mary to give me strength to look at it, that there will be a little cross on that test not a single line. Hope that I will be able to surprise D with the happy news. There will always be hope."

1 comment:

  1. Your post made me cry.
    We have been TTC for 10 months now..and with no results..I dont have a very supportive partner too..each passing day is a hell..