I am back to blogging because I need to talk about what happened to us. Let me backtrack here.
We were in Inverness, Scotland enjoying out first family holiday and my period was 4 days late. Since returning my period has always lasted 26 days so I thought something was up, but I simply put it down to traveling and hormones not going well together. I did buy a pregnancy test because that's what I always do. I had the choice of buying a cheap one or the same brand one I bought when I got my first ever BFP with Isabella, for some reason I bought the expensive one, perhaps I wanted it to be a sign of good things to come. I didn't tell D I bought the test cause I never tell D I buy pregnancy tests because he would talk sense into me and when it comes to peeing on sticks I like to keep it that way. Anyway, I did pee on the stick and it came back positive within two seconds, it was unbelievable. I could not believe what I was seeing. I had dreamed of this moment for years before going through the whole ivf roller coaster and I had planned on so many different ways to break the news. When it finally happened, for real, what did I I say... 'Holy shit D, holy shit!!' Yes, that's what I came up with to tell D we were pregnant. He thought I had remembered of something else I had forgotten along the way, as I literally left a trail of our belongings behind during our road trip. I said : 'no I am pregnant!' The looking his face was a mix of 'are you taking the piss' and 'I am so happy'. We were so thrilled to find out we could get pregnant naturally and that we were pregnant! It was a dream come true for the second time. What perfect timing too as we were planning ivf when we got back. All was working out like a dream for once. We went to the local hospital for a blood test as one of my tube is blocked and the other damaged which puts me at high risk of ectopic. The midwives we met were all so friendly and welcoming considering we were tourists. We got the first beta as a strong 165 and two days later it had more than tripled. All looked as it should. We were on cloud 9. We were staying with my brother and his family as part of our trip so we told them and the were so happy for us. We also saw close friends and we told them too and everyone was just so happy for our news and could not believe it either! It was all a happy dream. We kept saying to Isabella how she was going to be a big sister at the end of May and she seemed to like the idea, she was convinced from the beginning she was going to have a sister. It was all magical.
The day after we got back I went to see my obgyn and she did a scan and I was able to hear the strong heartbeat and see the fetal pole and everything looked just right. It wasn't ectopic, it was REAL. I sent the picture to D who could not come by with me and Isabella for the scan. We as overjoyed and it made the pregnancy very real for the both of us. I was 5 weeks and 4 days. I wasn't going through this pregnancy as a 'special' ivf lady, I was just 'another pregnant' lady this time. So I was not going to have scans and check ups every week, I would have to wait 4 weeks for the next appointment. I felt a bit alone and scared not knowing if everything was ok or not and wondered how other women did this. I suppose they don't know any different. Anyway, compared with Isabella this time around I had very bad all day sickness. I could not eat anything without being severely sick, I lost a lot of weight and I felt even more worried something was wrong. I researched and read all the books and everything seemed to point to being ok, morning sickness and losing weight seemed absolutely normal. I waited and waited and by the time 5 weeks went by my morning sickness was much better and I felt more relaxed although I was still a nervous wreck going in for my appointment. I was 10 weeks 6 days when I went for my appointment. Isabella held my hand as I laid on the bed, she was excited to see the baby, i was glad she wad holding my hand. I needed that so much as D could not be there as the appointment was in the middle of the day. As soon as I saw the baby and heard the heartbeat I felt immediate relief. There she was, beautiful and perfect and looking like a baby. I cried because I was so happy and relieved. The baby was not moving a lot but the doctor just said she was a chilled out baby who was probably napping. I liked the idea of a quiet baby who liked sleeping, considering Isabella hate for sleeping. The doctor was so sweet she even gave Isabella a picture to hold of the baby. I sent the picture to D who was overjoyed. The doctor told me about the nt scan and given the fact I am only 32 it's optional. I said that given we did it with Isabella we would want to do it again this time. Secretly I just wanted to see my baby and make sure everything was ok and perhaps find out the sex even though I had a gut feeling she was a girl. I made the appointment for the the following Wed. D made sure he would be there and we spent the week thinking of boys and girls names.
Wednesday the 14th of November came around and I could not hold my excitement. We got to the appointment late but we got there. The centre is a specialized centre that does these tests and amnios and more invasive tests and nothing else. I felt secure in knowing I was in good hands. I first went for my blood test and then for the much anticipated nt scan. The doctor seemed lovely and didn't mind the fact that Isabella kept on singing and playing with coins as she performed the scan. D finally got to see the baby in person and was amazed to hear the strong heartbeat. The baby was very still again so the doctor tried to get her moving but she would not, I ate a sweet but nothing. She decided to do an internal u/s to see if she could get better look at the nuchal fold. The baby was moving a bit more now and the doctor managed to get all that she need to see. In hindsight she was very quiet through the whole scan which should have given it away as something being wrong but I really didn't see what was coming. At the end I said what a good little baby she was and how strange she didn't like moving too much. That's when my world collapsed. The doctor said that the baby didn't move much because there was something wrong. The baby had a thicker than normal nuchal translucency, she also had a herniation, a single artery in her umbilical cord and no nasal bone. Her strong heart rate was 189 which is pretty fast, too fast. Our baby was in trouble. My world collapsed, how could this be happening. The doctor and D spoke percentages and possibilities, all I was doing was crying, I stopped just to get it together when Isabella started asking me if I was ok. I had to pull myself together, she could not see me like this. The doctor mentioned termination as our baby looked very sick, she didn't push it but she mentioned it as if to prepare us. She also mentioned how some trisomies are 'incompatible with life'. I wanted to rewind and go back to a place that was safe, a place where this was not happening. This could not be true. She suggested I do a CVS as soon as possible to make sure of what she had seen, we booked it for the following Sunday. She told us the risks of miscarriage and what it would consist of . I never ever pictured myself doing a cvs, my mum lost a baby at 5 months after she did an amino and getting the results the baby was perfectly healthy 4 weeks later, I didn't want to this to be me. I didn't want to lose this baby. She told us that given the findings of the u/s she would cancel the blood work as it was no longer necessary. They would send us the report of the nt scan on Saturday due to a public holiday.
We left the office feeling like we were living in a nightmare. I had to run to the toilet because I could not stop the crying. I could not comprehend what was happening to us. I was supposed to shelter and protect this baby, and here I was unaware she was not well and I didn't even know it. The days melted into one long panic attack, I could not cope with what was happening. D and I spoke about the possibilities and we waited for the test and the results of the nt hoping they would give us some hope. The results arrived and they were even worst than we had imagined. The baby and 1 in 3 chances of having trisomy 13 and 1 in 4 of having downs and 1 in 15 of having trisomy 18. The odds were pretty horrible.
I have to stop now because I am getting a too familiar tingling in my left hand which indicates the beginning of a panic attack. I will be back to finish my baby's story tomorrow.