What's in a name?

When we were expecting both our girls we knew what their names would be pretty early on. We always liked the way Isabella sounded and how it would remain the same no matter which language we pronounced it in. We come from 3 different backgrounds, Italian, Greek and Belgian and English is our main language at home, so we knew it had to be a name that could be easily translated into many languages. With Francesca, I just loved the name and for some reason it seemed as if she was telling me she was called Francesca. I knew she was Francesca before I even knew she was a girl.

Now with a boy, we are having a difficult time figuring out what to call him. We always had difficulty figuring out boys names but we always like Gabriel but now we really have to come up with one name it is proving to be so difficult. Gabriel changes into Gabriele in Italian and other names in all our other languages and on top of it one of my dad's cousins is Gabriele and they don't get along and as a result they have ruined the name for me. One name that sticks out at the moment is Ruben, I don't even know why or how but it does sound like it could be 'the one. It would stay the same no matter the language and I just love the sound of it. One small problem is that D does not love it as much. I completely respect his decision and of course it has to be a name we both love. With Isabella he was really set on Sofia, he liked the sound of it and the name generally but he respected the fact that I didn't love it. I liked it but I didn't love it. Then he suggested Isabella and it instantly felt right. We both loved it. So I think of Ruben as the male version of Sofia. 

As a result we have been searching and keeping our ears peeled in case the right name is called out or spoken. So far no luck. D has suggested a few namely Eden, Valentino and I like Paolo. They are all excellent names but none of them have taken my fancy as much Ruben has.  So we keep looking and hoping to hear his name... hopefully before or shortly after he is born.

Little miracle

I am pregnant. My baby is perfect, no health concerns, just a healthy baby boy. Baby is due 15 days after Bella's birthday, so October is proving to be our lucky month. Not only we met in October 14 years ago, then our daughter was born in October and now our son could be born in October. 

It took me a long long time to grieve and process the loss of Francesca in 2012. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her, that I don't think of how our life could be like with her in it. I went through some dark dark moments but made it through. What really helped me was acupuncture especially to regulate the hormonal imbalance left after the loss and the anxiety and panic attacks. I never felt such peace and calm after a session of acupuncture. The first time I was hooked. My doctor was very direct but very good and she knew exactly when to stop. 4 months after stopping my sessions I got pregnant, naturally so. 

We did genetic testing to see if we are carriers of chromosomal abnormalities which we are not. After that we thought of trying again naturally seeing it happened before. It did. We conceived the baby just before Valentines day. I knew I was pregnant. I kept it quiet for 2 whole days, waiting for the test results to come back for my blood work. I didn't want to tell D and then it being a false positive. All very unlike me. I made him a lovely video which at the end said he was going to be a daddy again... He was floored and so so happy. 

We waited to tell everyone until we got the all clear at the 13 weeks much dreaded nt scan. Everything was absolutely clear. Everything was perfectly fine. Baby was healthy, normal Nuchal translucency, bowls were inside his body, he had a nasal bone and his heart was perfectly formed. We were in tears, we brought our daughter along, even though we didn't want to it ended up being that's way. She was super excited to have a little baby in our house. That night we told everyone, we shouted to it to the world. We could not contain ourselves.. We were and are so happy. We know how blessed we are. Life is good, actually life is Bloody Great! I haven't blogged in years... I have missed it.

Spreading miscarriage awareness

Every loss, as 'small' as it is, is a LOSS.http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=a-Z0IrXDGVA&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Da-Z0IrXDGVA

Something red

As far back as I remember I have always associated Christmas with the red colour. Well this year I truly saw red on Christmas Eve. I go my first post miscarriage period on Christmas Eve. My baby girl died on the 25th and a month later my body is moving on. I fell absolutely tired and exhausted with bad headaches and a lot of bleeding, my mum warned me that the first period is heavier and painful an it truly is. 

We have all of our families over for Chrismas this year, we planned it before I even knew I was pregnant but after we found out we looked forward to it a lot anticipation. After Francesca died the last thing I wanted was celebrating anything. I dreaded it in a way because I didn't know how I was going to be feeling. I am glad to say it has been great having my family and D's brother and sister in law here. We needed a distraction, we needed laughs and smiles and hugs. We needed people who love us around us.  I think about Francesca all the time and I have not talked about her or what happened with anyone but my mum and even when I did I felt the anxiety coming so I and to stop. Having everyone here has not healed me, it has not made the sadness and sorrow go away but it has helped my soul. There is nothing like a good hug from your mum to make things 'ok'.  They stay for a few more days no then they are off home which I am dreading. We live so far from our families that when we do get all together is just amazing and makes us wish we lived closer by. 

Loss

So Sunday came around and I was a wreck, I didn't want to do the CVS I was scared of the possible risks and I was afraid to know what the results would show. I was also concerned about the actual test but having being through IVF twice I felt prepared, I could get through this too. A good friend of mine came along to stay outside with Isabella so D could be in there with me which felt good as I needed him there and I needed to know Isabella was well looked after too. They told me to have a full bladder as my placenta was posterior and my uterus retroverted. I drank too much water and my bladder was literally about to burst so I took about 6 trips to the toilet trying to empty it, in the end the doctor just told me to empty it completely because she said I would still have a pee left inside, I definitely overdid it. Before we started the doctor checked to see the baby and afterwards both D and I both admitted of being relieved to hear the heartbeat and seeing the baby was more active. However  things looked even worse in terms of measurements, the nt fold that was 4 last time was now 6 and the herniation we had hoped could still go away was still present. I felt like i was breaking inside but i also knew that doing the cvs was the right thing to do now. A nurse sprayed my belly with an antiseptic spray and then the doctor told the other doctor in the room where to hold the ultrasound. She then told us not to look at the needle as she approached but to concentrate on getting though it. The pain was not as bad at first, it just felt like period pain but the further in she went the more painful it got. I just was squeezing D's hand so bad trying to stay still and I started telling the doctor to stop. She told me she could not stop as she would have to start again, so i started breathing just like i did when i got contractions with Isabella and that made the pain more bearable. Before the procedure D and I made a joke about how doctors always refer to pain being like period pain, we wondered what kind of horrible period pains they get because it never does feel like period pain! Once I felt the needle going in and out I knew that it was almost over so I felt more relaxed.

After the procedure the doctor took the sample to another room to make sure she had enough. I never prayed so badly to ask for it to be enough, I could not go through another one of these tests, it had to be enough. When she finally came back and said it was enough I was so thankful. D got to see the cells she extracted I was in no state to. The doctor then did another ultrasound to make sure the baby was ok and she was, bless her she was sucking her thumb. After the nt scan the doctor asked me if I wanted the DVD of the test and I said no, i could not picture myself wanting to see it again but after thinking about it I wanted it, so in told the doctor then. She also gave me a few pictures of the baby as she was then after the cvs, little did I know it would be the last times would see my angel. I am so glad I asked for the pictures and the DVD. The doctor told us that the majority of babies with all the medical problems as our baby don't make it to 12 weeks, majority of babies die early on in the pregnancy. This made me think our baby was such a fighter, to have made it this far, to have made it at all agaist all odds and now with all her medical problems. She was our fighter.

After the procedure I had to stay in a relaxation room for about two hours to make sure I was ok and after that I was released to go home. Isabella, my friend and D kept me busy and my mind occupied. I had to take it easy over the next two days but I felt fine overall and had no bleeding which was reassuring. D took the day off which was nice as he really looked after me and ran after Isabella for me, just what I needed. We had to wait about till Thursday for the results and it felt like the longest week ever. I researched all sort of information on trisomy 13 because reading the signs of trisomy 13 and what our baby had I found a lot of similarities. I looked up lots of hopeful websites which told a different story that the 'not compatile with life' i was told about. There are kids who live to be teenagers, our baby could make it, she could be a survivor. I also read stories of parents who decided to termite the pregnancy because the baby would not make it, because they didn't want the baby to suffer unnecessrily. I read it all and the more I read the more I felt like it as not my place to decide. Every inch of my body and soul told me to protect my baby, to hold onto her tight because she was my own very miracle. The more people told me 'your baby is not compatible with life' the more I held my belly tight and told her I would not give up on her. I never thought I would be so pro life but then again I never have been out in this situation before.

Thursday came around I waited for their call but they didn't call, so I called till 4 and then I called them. My results were not in yet so I had to wait till Saturday as they are closed on Fridays. Part of me was relieved I didn't get the results and that I got one more day of peace, I think part of me knew the results would not be good. When Saturday came around I called them at around 11 as I could not wait any longer. I felt ready to get the results. The doctor told me the news, the news I already knew, our baby was a girl. She also had trisomy 13. The world got a hell of a lot darker. As much as one prepares you for what is to come, you never are ready to get news like this. She spoke of termination again or to continue with the pregnancy knowing our baby would most probably die before I ever got to give birth to her. I felt a fog coming over me. I would have to decide. I hated every minute of every talk D and I had over this. He is so pragmatic and thinks clearly under pressure even this kind of stress. I always think with my heart, I would also hurt myself to see something I believe in through. I am not going to go into the details of this as it's too raw and personal.

 The next morning was Sunday the 25th. I had an appointment with my obgyn to discuss the results of the cvs. Isabella run a high fever all night with no other symptoms so we stayed up all night with her. The next morning I told D to take Isabella to the doctor and I would go to my appointment alone. After all we already knew the outcome and I would pass on the recommendations to D afterwards. I hated every minute I had to sit in the waiting room packed with other pregnant ladies. I hated the fact my baby might never make it that far, I hated that I might never get to hold her and feed her, change her diapers. When the nurse called me in I told her I forgot my pregnancy booklet, she said must be pregnant brains. She tool my weight and I lost more weight, I started crying when she cheerily asked me how I felt. The doctor called me in soon after. She had gotten the results and was so sorry. She went over our options and mentioned again how our baby was not compatible with life and how we could either terminate or carry the pregnancy. she told me what i already knew, that most doctors don't operate just merely offer palliative care for the baby. She also went over the psychological aspect of carrying a baby knowing I would probably never take her home and that she could be gone at any moment. After we discussed these options I told her if she could check my baby as I had not felt her moving much, I never felt her kicking bug I felt butterflies and I knew it was her. I stopped feeling her moving Friday but I just thought I had not been listening properly because I was so emotionally drained.

 The doctor turned the machine and there she was my beautiful Francesca. The doctor looked and looked but she was gone. My baby had passed away. She was 13 weeks and 3 days. She was my angel.

Lost

I am back to blogging because I need to talk about what happened to us. Let me backtrack here.

We were in Inverness, Scotland enjoying out first family holiday and my period was 4 days late. Since returning my period has always lasted 26 days so I thought something was up, but I simply put it down to traveling and hormones not going well together. I did buy a pregnancy test because that's what I always do. I had the choice of buying a cheap one or the same brand one I bought when I got my first ever BFP with Isabella, for some reason I bought the expensive one, perhaps I wanted it to be a sign of good things to come. I didn't tell D I bought the test cause I never tell D I buy pregnancy tests because he would talk sense into me and when it comes to peeing on sticks I like to keep it that way. Anyway, I did pee on the stick and it came back positive within two seconds, it was unbelievable. I could not believe what I was seeing. I had dreamed of this moment for years before going through the whole ivf roller coaster and I had planned on so many different ways to break the news. When it finally happened, for real, what did I I say... 'Holy shit D, holy shit!!' Yes, that's what I came up with to tell D we were pregnant. He thought I had remembered of something else I had forgotten along the way, as I literally left a trail of our belongings behind during our road trip. I said : 'no I am pregnant!' The looking his face was a mix of 'are you taking the piss' and 'I am so happy'.  We were so thrilled to find out we could get pregnant naturally and that we were pregnant! It was a dream come true for the second time. What perfect timing too as we were planning ivf when we got back. All was working out like a dream for once. We went to the local hospital for a blood test as one of my tube is blocked and the other damaged which puts me at high risk of ectopic. The midwives we met were all so friendly and welcoming considering we were tourists. We got the first beta as a strong 165 and two days later it had more than tripled. All looked as it should. We were on cloud 9. We  were staying with my brother and his family as part of our trip so we told them and the were so happy for us. We also saw close friends and we told them too and everyone was just so happy for our news and could not believe it either! It was all a happy dream. We kept saying to Isabella how she was going to be a big sister at the end of May and she seemed to like the idea, she was convinced from the beginning she was going to have a sister. It was all magical.

The day after we got back I went to see my obgyn and she did a scan and I was able to hear the strong heartbeat and see the fetal pole and everything looked just right. It wasn't ectopic, it was REAL. I sent the picture to D who could not come by with me and Isabella for the scan. We as overjoyed and it made the pregnancy very real for the both of us. I was 5 weeks and 4 days. I wasn't going through this pregnancy as a 'special' ivf lady, I was just 'another pregnant' lady this time. So I was not going to have scans and check ups every week, I would have to wait 4 weeks for the next appointment. I felt a bit alone and scared not knowing if everything was ok or not and wondered how other women did this. I suppose they don't know any different. Anyway, compared with Isabella this time around I had very bad all day sickness. I could not eat anything without being severely sick, I lost a lot of weight and I felt even more worried something was wrong. I researched and read all the books and everything seemed to point to being ok, morning sickness and losing weight seemed absolutely normal. I waited and waited and by the time 5 weeks went by my morning sickness was much better and I felt more relaxed although I was still a nervous wreck going in for my appointment. I was 10 weeks 6 days when I went for my appointment. Isabella held my hand as I laid on the bed, she was excited to see the baby, i was glad she wad holding my hand. I needed that so much as D could not be there as the appointment was in the middle of the day. As soon as I saw the baby and heard the heartbeat I felt immediate relief. There she was, beautiful and perfect and looking like a baby. I cried because I was so happy and relieved. The baby was not moving a lot but the doctor just said she was a chilled out baby who was probably napping. I liked the idea of a quiet baby who liked sleeping, considering Isabella hate for sleeping. The doctor was so sweet she even gave Isabella a picture to hold of the baby. I sent the picture to D who was overjoyed. The doctor told me about the nt scan and given the fact I am only 32 it's optional. I said that given we did it with Isabella we would want to do it again this time. Secretly I just wanted to see my baby and make sure everything was ok and perhaps find out the sex even though I had a gut feeling she was a girl. I made the appointment for the the following Wed. D made sure he would be there and we spent the week thinking of boys and girls names.

Wednesday the 14th of November came around and I could not hold my excitement. We got to the appointment late but we got there. The centre is a specialized centre that does these tests and amnios and more invasive tests and nothing else. I felt secure in knowing I was in good hands. I first went for my blood test and then for the much anticipated nt scan. The doctor seemed lovely and didn't mind the fact that Isabella kept on singing and playing with coins as she performed the scan. D finally got to see the baby in person and was amazed to hear the strong heartbeat. The baby was very still again so the doctor tried to get her moving but she would not, I ate a sweet but nothing. She decided to do an internal u/s to see if she could get better look at the nuchal fold. The baby was moving a bit more now and the doctor managed to get all that she need to see. In hindsight she was very quiet through the whole scan which should have given it away as something being wrong but I really didn't see what was coming. At the end I said what a good little baby she was and how strange she didn't like moving too much. That's when my world collapsed. The doctor said that the baby didn't move much because there was something wrong. The baby had a thicker than normal nuchal translucency, she also had a herniation, a single artery in her umbilical cord and no nasal bone. Her strong heart rate was 189 which is pretty fast, too fast. Our baby was in trouble. My world collapsed, how could this be happening. The doctor and D spoke percentages and possibilities, all I was doing was crying, I stopped just to get it together when Isabella started asking me if I was ok. I had to pull myself together, she could not see me like this. The doctor mentioned termination as our baby looked very sick, she didn't push it but she mentioned it as if to prepare us. She also mentioned how some trisomies are 'incompatible with life'. I wanted to rewind and go back to a place that was safe, a place where this was not happening. This could not be true. She suggested I do a CVS as soon as possible to make sure of what she had seen, we booked it for the following Sunday. She told us the risks of miscarriage and what it would consist of . I never ever pictured myself doing a cvs, my mum lost a baby at 5 months after she did an amino and getting the results the baby was perfectly healthy 4 weeks later, I didn't want to this to be me. I didn't want to lose this baby. She told us that given the findings of the u/s she would cancel the blood work as it was no longer necessary. They would send us the report of the nt scan on Saturday due to a public holiday. 

We left the office feeling like we were living in a nightmare. I had to run to the toilet because I could not stop the crying. I could not comprehend what was happening to us. I was supposed to shelter and protect this baby, and here I was unaware she was not well and I didn't even know it. The days melted into one long panic attack, I could not cope with what was happening. D and I spoke about the possibilities and we waited for the test and the results of the nt hoping they would give us some hope. The results arrived and they were even worst than we had imagined. The baby and 1 in 3 chances of having trisomy 13 and 1 in 4 of having downs and 1 in 15 of having trisomy 18. The odds were pretty horrible. 

I have to stop now because I am getting a too familiar tingling in my left hand which indicates the beginning of a panic attack. I will be back to finish my baby's story tomorrow.

Happy New Year!!

I am still here! Life is busy busy busy with a baby but it"s the best kind of busy! I love being a mom so much and I cannot stop counting my blessings! Life is amazing! I still have moments where I look at her and wonder if she is our, I still pinch mysel a lot!!

Isabella is amazing and life cannot be any better really. I will write more in the coming weeks as Isabella is settling in her own routine and I will have some more free time to return here and to your blogs... but for now Happy 2011 lovely ladies.. I have missed you!

25 days and growing so fast

I have been a bad bad blogger but I do have the most beautiful excuse for it... Isabella! She is the light of my day and the most amazing baby anyone could wish for. She is such a happy, smiley and good baby who sleeps at night and eats with such eagerness. I couldn't ask for more. She is growing by the day and every morning whenever I go pick her up to change her and feed her she looks like she had grown over night. I call her my Little Giant.

She already has her own routine of more frequent feeding during the day and longer sleeping periods at night. She never cries unless she is overly tired and even when hungry she never cries but almost talks to us telling us to hurry up and feed her already. She started smiling about two weeks ago and hasn't stopped since. She gives us the cutest smiles when we least expect it and we just melt like butter. We hold her to help her fall asleep and we cuddle her for hours just because we can. People tell us that is not good but we argue otherwise, we don't think there is anything wrong in hugging and cuddling our baby girl as much as she needs to.

I was preoccupied about being on my own with her after D went back to work but the first week went like a breeze and this week I feel like things have always been this way. Isabella runs our routine and I adapt to what she feels like on a day to day basis. We do go out together on short outings whether it's to the local shops or for a walk around the neighbourhood. She loves her pram and I can now safely say it was the best buy so far. As much as some babies like their car seats, Isabella prefers to lie flat so she loves it when after a car ride I place her in her pram, she normally falls asleep straight away.

D and I still have moments where we look at Isabella and wonder how we got so lucky. She truly is the most adorable baby girl and we cannot believe we made her...that she is half me and half him.. She makes all the struggles of getting here seem so worth it and she makes us want to have more children as soon as we can.

Anyway, it's almost feeding time and I better go but before I do, here are a few pictures of our Little Giant:

9 days old and all is GREAT

ea

Isabella is 9 days old today and we are so in love. Some days are tough, some days like today are easier but no matter what day we are having we are just so thankful she is in our lives and we feel so privileged to be her parents. She brightens up our lives with her smiles, her looks and her many cuddles and kisses. She sleeps in our room next to my side of the bed so it's easier to pick her up for feedings and seeing her first thing in the morning is just the most incredible feeling. She is changing by the day and is showing signs of her character emerging. She has her daddy's eyes and lips and some of his expressions. Everyday we look at her and wonder how much she has changed overnight. It's truly incredible to see how much she can change in one night. Her face is filling up and she is starting to get a little double chin which is just so cute. She has long hands and feet and we think she is going to grow taller than the both of us but then only time will tell. She feeds very well and we are both becoming good at it with times and it hurts less each day. I am so lucky to have a lot of milk and a baby eager to eat it. We are feeding her on demand at the moment and it's working very well. She wakes up between 2-4 hours to feed through the day and night and feeds for a long time until she is tired to go to sleep. I used to cut the feeding short as I notices she was getting sick afterward and being gassy but that didn't work well with Isabella and now I have gone back to the letting her feed until she needs to approach which works better for her and for us too as she is less fussy and more happy and rested afterward. It's all trial and error for now but we are getting there.

D and I are both home which is great as he is getting to know her as much as I before he has to go back to work. He is an amazing dad and even with little sleep he is still able to be calm and we both find ourselves laughing at things as they happen rather than despair. He is my rock and he always makes everything ok. I love him so much.

My parents went home yesterday and I have to say they left a big void when they did. The house seemed all silent and I miss having them around. Yesterday was worst but today I am already getting on with things and I know every day is going to get better. I loved having them around and I loved spending so much time with them after not having seen them for a whole year. My mom showed me a lot of tricks in terms of holding Isabella and what to do and what not to. I wish they lived closer by but for now I will wait till they come back for Christmas! I so wish for Isabella and I to have a similar relationship to the one my mom and I share, we truly love one another and we can spend hours together and still find loads to talk about. I miss her dearly.

Tomorrow we take Isabella for her first visit to the pediatrician. I researched which one to take her to and the one we are taking her to his a young doctor from Germany. He is relatively new in town but a lot of people are raving he is meant to be a great doctor. I cannot wait to hear what he says about Izzy's weight ( we think she is gaining not losing like all babies do after the first week to 10 days) and want to ask about her umbilical cord which is still attached. We cannot wait for it to fall off so we can give her a proper bath for now we just give a sponge bath.

I better go now as she is starting to cry for her next feed.. here are a few pics of our baby girl!

Labour story and on being a mamma

I finally get two minutes to write whilst Izzy is still asleep so here is my labour story...

Labour was a marathon for me! I was induced on Thursday at 6pm and didn't give birth until the next morning at 9.24 am. It was the most painful but amazing thing I have ever done in my life and as painful as it was, hearing my baby girl crying and opening my eyes and seeing her between my legs, was the most incredible and intense feeling I have ever felt! I was able to hold her straight away and the minute she was on my chest she stopped crying, I never felt happier. Then they put her on my side and I was able to breastfeed her which she did like a pro! D was by my side through it all. He would time and hold me during those painful contractions and then encourage me to push when he could see her head coming and I swear if it wasn't for him I would never have done it! He is truly my rock and the most amazing dad ever! He got the hang of changing diapers so easily and now that's his job!

I had a complication after the birth whereby my placenta would not deliver and after 4 hours of waiting for the or to free I was wheeled in. I hated being taken away from my baby and D so soon and part of me felt scare something would go wrong. I was told it was a 15 minutes thing but it ended up taking a whole hour. I was awake under an epidural and knew something was up when more and more doctors were coming in the room and they gave me 'something to relax me'. In the end the leading surgeon who operated on me came to speak to me. She told they got all of my placenta but that they also found a big 'bleeder' behind one of the 3 stitches I had done after the birth. It was a large haematoma the size of a fist. I lost 1 liter of blood but they got it all and I need to think of what a lucky break I got when the placenta didn't come out otherwise they wouldn't have caught in time. I started shaking and crying hearing this and didn't come down until D came to see me in the recovery room. I was still in shock and my blood pressure was all over the place so they suggested bring Izzy to see me so I would come down and so I did as soon as she was next to me in her cot.

Having lived throught this as well makes me feel even more thankful for the miracle we have been granted. We are truly blessed!

We are all home now and recovering well. I am on pain meds and antibiotics and iron but overall we are doing great. The antibiotics I take don't impact on the breastfeeding and so I am now a milk factory! I am blessed with a lot of milk and a baby who loves to feed! We are still finding our feet but we are managing well and every day seems a bit easier. I still see her as such a fragile baby and I cannot help but feeling nervous at times about accidentally hurting her. I suppose that's what moms do.. They worry!

Here are a few pics of Izzy as it seems yesterday's post didn't work out.. she is a true beauty but then I am biased!!

A few pictures of Isabella Anna

she is here

Our baby girl is here! Born on Friday the 15th at 9.24 am measuring 3.335 kg and 52cm. She is the most beautiful and amazing baby I have ever seen. I'll post her birth and my labour story later. Just wanted you all to knoe a new star is born! I am so in love!!!

i am in hospital

I am in hospital being induced today. My cervix is looking more favourable and I am a fingertip dilated. Izzy is still doing great and her heart is strong. If induction works then great if not then they'll do an emergency c-section. I was a bundle of nerves all morning and cried as I expected to be sent home and wait for a c-section but I am now feeling calm and relax and focusing on Izzy. D is keeping me company and we are in a nursery room with a bed waiting for our bed to become available! I cannot believe the day is finally here and that we are going to be holding our precious baby girl today or tomorrow. Life is about to change in a very special way!! How incredible!! I'll update you later if I can! Thanks girls for all your support!

update

I have been so busy over the last couple of days I have had no time to update you all. After spending all of Sunday in some sort of pain and then went to bed early with cramps and spent all night up with what felt like contractions. I slept a total of 2 hours but the next morning I was in no pain. That morning (Monday) I had my 40 week plus 1 day check- up, I told my doctor I had that pain and she did an internal exam to check if I was dilated at all and if there was any progress and she also got me to do a CTG. The doctor told me that I was all closed up and that my cervix was 2cm and posterior, the CTG showed no signs of contractions and her heartbeat was healthy and strong. The doctor wanted to consult with her superior on what would be the next step, then I was called back in. They said that normally they don't leave IVF babies longer than a couple of days but that given all looks good they can make wait until Thursday to decide. They seem to think that given my cervix and the fact I am all closed up an induction won't work and that Isaballa might suffer as a result of trying an induction. The idea of a c-section is now more favourable than an induction but we won't know until Thursday and even if an induction is then favourable but I prefer a c-section by then it's also ok. I am now going back and forth every day for CTGs until Thursday when I will also get an internal exam to see if there has been any progress so that makes Thursday decision day. I am not sure they will do a c-section on the Thursday or whether we would have to wait until another day to book it but whatever happens we will know when Izzy will be born which is such a relief.

To say I was ok with this new development, especially considering I thought something was definitely going on, would be a lie. Yesterday I felt teary as in a weird way I felt like my body let me down a little again but I know that isn't true. My body has kept my baby girl from harm all 40 plus weeks and now the fact that it seems to be in non hurry to get ready for birth is ok. I have been keeping an open mind all 40 weeks about how delivery will come about and for me to be upset now is counterproductive.. as long as she is ok and I am ok that's all that counts. I know the doctors won't push me in any directions and have so far been so supportive of all of my decisions so I know they will respect whatever we decide on Thursday.

D is taking the day off on Thursday in case we go in and there has been progress and they decide to induce Izzy that day and either way we both feel it's important he is there so that we can make a joint decision. I know D will respect whichever choice I make but I want him by my side in this day.

I live in anticipation of Thursday but at the same time I feel relieved that hopefully by the end of the week I will be meeting my baby girl. Today I went for my CTG and Izzy was playing tricks on me. She was moving around so much that she kept on playing with the monitor so that it kept on missing her heart beat. At one stage she was so fast that she ditched the monitor that went into hyper mode and started beeping because there was no heartbeat. I got my mum to call the nurse and then they moved the monitor and in no time we found her strong heartbeat and all was good in the world again. I had to stay longer and being monitor for a longer period due to this missing heartbeat but in the end all looked great.

That's all from me now.. I will hopefully have more to update you on this coming Thursday or I will do as soon as I can if I end up delivering her Thursday.. wish us luck!

The one before the "due date"

So here I am at 39 weeks and 6 days on the eve of my "due date" and all is good. Now that all the anticipation of Isabella being born early is gone I am feeling a new sense of peace. I know she will be born eventually so for now I chose to enjoy this last few days of being pregnant. I rub my belly and follow her many kicks and stretches and in the meantime enjoy sleeping in and go about life in a "I do what I want when I want kind of attitude" knowing that when Miss Izzy is here she will be the boss.

Yesterday D and I made Clam Chowder for the first time and it came out so yummylicious! We feel in love with it when we went to San Francisco and still dream of it, so it was lovely to be able to eat it again. Then worked on our garden which is now coming back to life after the heat of the summer, D measured around the edges of the garden and then him and my mom took out a strip of grass and I added little white stones. We have not finished yet but it is starting to look amazingly good! The white stones give out this lovely light at night and it will be much easier to maintain it. We then did a BBQ which was yummy and I even made a potato salad for the first time which came out delicious. We finished the night watching football on tv.. perfect way to end a great day!

Today we started on the garden again but it was way too hot so we left it for later on this afternoon. My mom and dad went off into town on their own and we stayed behind to chill out and catch up on the tv shows we have been missing out on. This afternoon we are off to an exhibition center to check out modified and one of a kind types of cars which should be interesting! As you can tell I am keeping busy and life is good.. As I type Izzy is kicking away and stretching her long legs on the side of my belly telling me she is in need of nourishment so I am off making some pasta and pesto! We shall see what tomorrow shall bring us..

The week of false alarms

Me at 38 weeks and 4 days and today at 39 weeks and 4 days.. the bump has dropped!

This week has been the week of "is this it?" Every cramp, every weird symptom points me to think that labour is underway and that I will give birth within 24 hours.. well every time I have been wrong so far. Yesterday was our 10 year anniversary, D went to work and I spent the day with my parents walking in one of the many malls in the hope that walking would help with labour. We walked for one hour and a bit and my back was really aching at the end. We had lunch and I started having contractions every hour or so. Then we went home chilled out and they came back again at 5.30 pm then D got home and I was still having them. We all got ready for a lovely celebratory dinner out and left for the restaurant. On the way I got some more contractions and more painful ones followed every hour whilst having dinner. Towards the end I had to ask my parents and D to leave as I could not stand it anymore. We all thought this was it and went home to take the suitcase downstairs and get all our stuff in order just in case. My contractions were still an hour apart. I kept active and at midnight I went to bed to get some rest. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee but nothing more and this morning I felt great again and haven't had any contractions. I know Izzy is not due for another 3 days but I had hoped she would take us all by surprise and be like mommy.. always a but early..I now have a feeling she is like her daddy, right on time or slightly late. Only time will tell.

For almost 40 weeks I am still doing great and only today took off my wedding and engagement rings just in case my hands swell up. I am walking around most days and keeping active around the house too. I have my moments where I freak out and think I won't be able to do it, that I won't be up for it and I will fail. I read the labour and delivery books constantly and keep thinking I am about to go for an exam that I cannot fail. It's stressful but so exciting at the same time. I have to say the weeks are blending together but it's great to have the company of my parents to make the days go by faster. They are as eager as D and I to meet their third granddaughter but are being super supportive in the waiting game.

D is doing great but I feel he is as excited as I am to meet his daughter. He thought she would be born on the 1st and now that is almost 10 days ago every "ouch" and every contraction make him jump and be ready for the big event. He is so ready to be a daddy but I think he is also a bit freaked out about the whole seeing me give birth part of things. We have been through thick and thin together and we know that this is going to be one of the the most amazing moments of our lives we will never forget, so just need to focus on that and get rid of all those fears.

39 weeks check up today

I am waiting around the house for 2.30 to go for my check up and see what they tell me. Every day I get a few more BH but they always go away and for the last 3 days I have had diarrhea in the morning which is unusual for me. I am looking at every symptom and every sign in anticipation but so far nothing has happened. I will see what the doctor tells me today... I have no idea if they will mention induction or if they will let me wait until I am after my due date to suggest it. What I know is that I am getting more and more excited as each day goes by... Izzy is super active still and her kicks and movements are still constant which is always reassuring.

My parents are being supportive and it's great to have them here. They are watchful of my every move and since they have arrived D has been able to relax more too. We are also super excited about our upcoming anniversary on the 6th of October, it's our 10 years together... only 2 days to go.. I wonder if she will wait till then to be born on our special day! Only time will tell.... cannot wait to kiss, hold and meet her!!!

*******Update*******

Went for my check up and all is ok as they don't do internal exams unless absolutely needed I don't know if I am dilated at all or not but they said everything looks great. Izzy is still head down and feels engaged so all is good. I have lost some weight probably due to the recent stomach issues which the doctor blames on a possible stomach bug or as a sign of my body readying itself for labour! Next appointment is on the 11th.. the day after my due date we shall see if we need it.. if we make it that far I intend to ask to be induced as I cannot afford to wait at home on leave and waste all my leave whilst she is still not born.. we hope this won't be necessary!

I am still here

Just a quick one.. I am still going strong and still doing well! Went for my 38 weeks check up and u/s and Izzy is doing great! She has hair and she has grown beautifully and now is 3.499kg which is about 7.7 pounds. Apparently she is going to be a very tall little girl as she is measuring way ahead of all the girls her age.. I knew her kicks were strong and her legs long but I didn't know that long! I cannot wait to meet her so bad!

My parents are here so every day I a busy with something or the other and enjoying having them here a lot! It's been so long and now I am catching up.. hence my lack of posts! I will try to update you on the progress but I don't have much time to keep up with all your blogs...I will try do this at least once a week!!

Last day at work

Today is my last day at work for the year. I am off on maternity/paid and unpaid leave until the end of January and I am super excited. I cannot believe the time for it is already here. After looking forward to this date since the middle of April, now it's here it does not feel real. I am telling everyone who cares to listen that it's indeed my last day and I have even brought miniature cupcakes to make sure everyone knows I am off. I leave with a bit of a dark cloud over my position within the company as I have no idea if my job will still be here by the end of January. My company is going through some major restructuring and no one knows how things will shape up in the coming months. I have jokingly asked if I will be returning to this office after my maternity or this is more of a "goodbye and good luck" kind of exit and no one has been able to give me a straight answer. When all these rumours first started emerging I was really worried and concerned, now I look at things with "what will be will be approach". If I come back and still have a job great, if it's not the case I will take my redundancy money and reconsider what will happen. For now my number one focus is my baby girl's arrival and nothing or no one is going to spoil that!

I think at first it's going to be strange being off for so long and yet I know once she gets here the days are just gonna fly. I won't have time to sit and think, I will have the most amazing job on earth.. Being a mommy and I cannot wait for it!

Things are proceeding well in our preparations for THE day. Last night I was so tired from work and going food shopping afterwards but I have been wanting to make a lasagna to freeze just so that if my parents get here and I am in hospital they will have something warm and home made to enjoy. So I put a chair next to my cooker and made it sitting down. I had pretty intense BH and Izzy was kicking me right on my cervix which didn't help. It's all ready and looked yummy now all that D or my mom will need to do is bake it.

My dad got the all clear from his cardiologist to travel and his heart is doing so well that he won't need to go back for another year now which is just amazing. Last time they visited us he had a small incident where his heart went into atrial fibrillation again so we had to rush him to the hospital, admittedly we overdid things and he got too tired too quickly. This time, we are going to take things at a different pace and make sure he and I both get plenty of rest. I cannot wait to have them over. D keeps hoping Izzy hangs in there fore a little longer so my parents get a chance to see me pregnant. We shall see if our little princess is willing to wait or is ready to break free.

some advice for my daughter

I have read this type of post on a few other blogs and as the weeks turn into days (18 to go today according to the ticker!) I am inspired to start one for my baby girl...

1. No matter what people tell you or what you might read in "beauty" magazines you are beautiful, just as you are. Not thinner, with different hair, taller, shorter legs.. you are perfect just as you were made. Always remember that true beauties lies within.
2. Don't spend hours, days and years obsessing over every little detail of your appearance..it's time wasted. Don't get me wrong, sweetie pie, there is nothing wrong in experimenting with make up, changing hair colour, tyring new styles.. but don't let this be your main focus in life.
3. Be good to your body. Your body is your biggest asset so make sure you look after it. You might hate it at times but trust me if you don't treat it with respect and love you might end up regretting it one day.
4. Make friends. Invest that time you have just saved (see point number 2! ) on making friends. You don't need a lot of friends, I can count my true friends on one hand, it's not a popularity contest. You will learn and be able to differentiate between a real friend and someone who is an acquaintance. Cherish and invest in your true friends because those are the ones you will lean on for the rest of you life.
5. Have lots of fun and make sure to surround yourself with people that make you laugh at least once a day.
6. Embrace who you are. Your background is a diverse and interesting one and I hope you are able to get to know each and every of the 3 countries you come from. I hope you won't be intimidated by it all but that you will be able to see it as a beautiful adventure.
7. Don't be afraid to speak out for what you believe in. Your views might not be the same as everybody else's but that doesn't make them less valid or interesting.
8. Make mistakes. I am sure that as your mom I shouldn't tell you this, but I don't feel right leaving this out. "The greatest mistake a man can make is to be afraid of making one."--Elbert Hubbard. We all make mistakes and I believe is those mistakes that make us who we are today. So don't be afraid to venture out into the world and LIVE my sweetie pie.
9. I hope you find your passion in life, no matter what it is. I hope you will find that something that makes you get up in the morning with a smile.
10. Travel and explore the world. There is nothing more eye opening than travelling and experiencing different and diverse cultures.
11. You will fall in love many times and every time it might feel like your life won't be able to go on without that person...trust me, life does go on. Your heart will unfortunately be broken over the course of your life and you will break many in return...but life carries on and eventually you will meet that one person that you will want to spend the rest of your life with. Trust me all the others won't even compare.
12. "Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do." H. Jackson Brown. If daddy and I let had the odds stacked against us get in our way, we would never have you to hold and love every day. When people tell you something is impossible, evaluate your odds, do your own research and most importantly listen to what your heart tells you is right. If you feel it's what you were meant to do, put all your heart into it and go for it.. if it fails.. wipe away the tears, collect your thoughts and if it's still worth it.. try again.
13. Ultimately baby girl, remember your mom and dad love you beyond words. You are our miracle baby girl and in our eyes you will never be anything less than perfect (now, don't go on abusing this right!!!). We are always here for you no matter what happens in life, you just pick up the phone and we will be there in no time.