Loss

So Sunday came around and I was a wreck, I didn't want to do the CVS I was scared of the possible risks and I was afraid to know what the results would show. I was also concerned about the actual test but having being through IVF twice I felt prepared, I could get through this too. A good friend of mine came along to stay outside with Isabella so D could be in there with me which felt good as I needed him there and I needed to know Isabella was well looked after too. They told me to have a full bladder as my placenta was posterior and my uterus retroverted. I drank too much water and my bladder was literally about to burst so I took about 6 trips to the toilet trying to empty it, in the end the doctor just told me to empty it completely because she said I would still have a pee left inside, I definitely overdid it. Before we started the doctor checked to see the baby and afterwards both D and I both admitted of being relieved to hear the heartbeat and seeing the baby was more active. However  things looked even worse in terms of measurements, the nt fold that was 4 last time was now 6 and the herniation we had hoped could still go away was still present. I felt like i was breaking inside but i also knew that doing the cvs was the right thing to do now. A nurse sprayed my belly with an antiseptic spray and then the doctor told the other doctor in the room where to hold the ultrasound. She then told us not to look at the needle as she approached but to concentrate on getting though it. The pain was not as bad at first, it just felt like period pain but the further in she went the more painful it got. I just was squeezing D's hand so bad trying to stay still and I started telling the doctor to stop. She told me she could not stop as she would have to start again, so i started breathing just like i did when i got contractions with Isabella and that made the pain more bearable. Before the procedure D and I made a joke about how doctors always refer to pain being like period pain, we wondered what kind of horrible period pains they get because it never does feel like period pain! Once I felt the needle going in and out I knew that it was almost over so I felt more relaxed.

After the procedure the doctor took the sample to another room to make sure she had enough. I never prayed so badly to ask for it to be enough, I could not go through another one of these tests, it had to be enough. When she finally came back and said it was enough I was so thankful. D got to see the cells she extracted I was in no state to. The doctor then did another ultrasound to make sure the baby was ok and she was, bless her she was sucking her thumb. After the nt scan the doctor asked me if I wanted the DVD of the test and I said no, i could not picture myself wanting to see it again but after thinking about it I wanted it, so in told the doctor then. She also gave me a few pictures of the baby as she was then after the cvs, little did I know it would be the last times would see my angel. I am so glad I asked for the pictures and the DVD. The doctor told us that the majority of babies with all the medical problems as our baby don't make it to 12 weeks, majority of babies die early on in the pregnancy. This made me think our baby was such a fighter, to have made it this far, to have made it at all agaist all odds and now with all her medical problems. She was our fighter.

After the procedure I had to stay in a relaxation room for about two hours to make sure I was ok and after that I was released to go home. Isabella, my friend and D kept me busy and my mind occupied. I had to take it easy over the next two days but I felt fine overall and had no bleeding which was reassuring. D took the day off which was nice as he really looked after me and ran after Isabella for me, just what I needed. We had to wait about till Thursday for the results and it felt like the longest week ever. I researched all sort of information on trisomy 13 because reading the signs of trisomy 13 and what our baby had I found a lot of similarities. I looked up lots of hopeful websites which told a different story that the 'not compatile with life' i was told about. There are kids who live to be teenagers, our baby could make it, she could be a survivor. I also read stories of parents who decided to termite the pregnancy because the baby would not make it, because they didn't want the baby to suffer unnecessrily. I read it all and the more I read the more I felt like it as not my place to decide. Every inch of my body and soul told me to protect my baby, to hold onto her tight because she was my own very miracle. The more people told me 'your baby is not compatible with life' the more I held my belly tight and told her I would not give up on her. I never thought I would be so pro life but then again I never have been out in this situation before.

Thursday came around I waited for their call but they didn't call, so I called till 4 and then I called them. My results were not in yet so I had to wait till Saturday as they are closed on Fridays. Part of me was relieved I didn't get the results and that I got one more day of peace, I think part of me knew the results would not be good. When Saturday came around I called them at around 11 as I could not wait any longer. I felt ready to get the results. The doctor told me the news, the news I already knew, our baby was a girl. She also had trisomy 13. The world got a hell of a lot darker. As much as one prepares you for what is to come, you never are ready to get news like this. She spoke of termination again or to continue with the pregnancy knowing our baby would most probably die before I ever got to give birth to her. I felt a fog coming over me. I would have to decide. I hated every minute of every talk D and I had over this. He is so pragmatic and thinks clearly under pressure even this kind of stress. I always think with my heart, I would also hurt myself to see something I believe in through. I am not going to go into the details of this as it's too raw and personal.

 The next morning was Sunday the 25th. I had an appointment with my obgyn to discuss the results of the cvs. Isabella run a high fever all night with no other symptoms so we stayed up all night with her. The next morning I told D to take Isabella to the doctor and I would go to my appointment alone. After all we already knew the outcome and I would pass on the recommendations to D afterwards. I hated every minute I had to sit in the waiting room packed with other pregnant ladies. I hated the fact my baby might never make it that far, I hated that I might never get to hold her and feed her, change her diapers. When the nurse called me in I told her I forgot my pregnancy booklet, she said must be pregnant brains. She tool my weight and I lost more weight, I started crying when she cheerily asked me how I felt. The doctor called me in soon after. She had gotten the results and was so sorry. She went over our options and mentioned again how our baby was not compatible with life and how we could either terminate or carry the pregnancy. she told me what i already knew, that most doctors don't operate just merely offer palliative care for the baby. She also went over the psychological aspect of carrying a baby knowing I would probably never take her home and that she could be gone at any moment. After we discussed these options I told her if she could check my baby as I had not felt her moving much, I never felt her kicking bug I felt butterflies and I knew it was her. I stopped feeling her moving Friday but I just thought I had not been listening properly because I was so emotionally drained.

 The doctor turned the machine and there she was my beautiful Francesca. The doctor looked and looked but she was gone. My baby had passed away. She was 13 weeks and 3 days. She was my angel.