Retrain my brain

One thing that I have learnt so far in this pregnancy and by reading through some heartbreaking stories recently and some inspirational blog entries, is that I need to cherish and live every moment of this pregnancy because it's so precious and because you just never know...

I remember how scared I was of letting go and allow myself to think of how amazing this truly is. I remember the fear that something might happen and something might take it all away and by living in fear all I achieved was lack of enjoyment of the moment I was living. Well that is no longer me. I chose not to be afraid and scared of what might be because I just don't know what tomorrow will hold. All I know for sure is that right now my baby girl is kicking away at my bladder and moving around every so often to remind me that she is a miracle and she is alive. I chose not to worry about what future ultrasounds might show because right now there is really nothing to worry about. We went out and bought so many things that in 3 months time our baby girl will hopefully enjoy and use. I read baby care books because I believe that in approximately 95 days we will bring home our baby girl and I will be able to apply some of the things I have learned in the way we will bring her up

Thinking like that comes naturally because in the reality of the moment all is good and all is going as it should be. The part I chose to ignore and silence consists of the negative thoughts and the thoughts that come from having experience difficulty in getting to where we are now. What I do now is play off those feelings and thoughts to make my point even stronger. For example when the thought of how things could go wrong because of how hard it was to get here in the first place comes into my mind I think and cherish the fact that I am pregnant NOW despite all the tests and medical explanations as to why it might not happen. When I think that it might never happen again, I hug my belly and stroke it thinking how wonderful it is that I am experiencing this at all! I basically fight those feeling back with a baseball bat because they will not get in the way of me enjoying this amazing pregnancy I am living! It takes practice and I need to stick at it because it's easy to go back and allow those negative thoughts to sneak in but I am determined to try my best.

In a way I feel like I am retraining my brain. I remember when we first TTC we saw everything as a positive and as a new opportunity, we expected a positive result and were so oblivious of the journey we had just embarked on. Even during the first batch of tests when we found the first problems, we still managed to keep positive. It was later when everything looked bleak and IVF was mentioned that we started to think the millions of what ifs and we learnt pretty quickly to expect a negative result as the norm. Well now it's the time to change all that and go back to that first innocent state of mind because life is beautiful and the miracle that we both prayed so much for is growing within me... and that alone should be celebrated each day.