Yesterday D and I went to Ikea to buy some bits and pieces for our new home. Here we are walking around looking at furniture and lampshades and all sort of things you can get at Ikea. As we walk around I see a lot of pregnant women. My thought reverted back to my pre-pregnancy one of "Why can't that be me?" Now considering I am 16 weeks pregnant today and showing the beginning of a what a friend calls a "basketball bump" I should not be thinking like this!
The thought occurred to me that I have still not allowed myself to believe I am REALLY pregnant. I am not just imagining it, I am not just hoping it or praying for it... the miracle has happened.. I am pregnant. I suppose spending the last 2 years focusing on getting here has shifted my focus elsewhere. What I am now wondering is if I will ever feel truly pregnant or will I just be as surprised as those women who don't know they are pregnant until they give birth on the toilet?!?!?LOL Don't get me wrong part of me, the part that is attached to Peanut and cannot imagine my life without him/her in it, knows I am pregnant. I know I am putting on weight and that my belly is getting rounder than it has ever been before, that my boobs are getting bigger by the day (I am loving both!!) that I am eating for two and I am so conscious of what is good and bad for the baby.... have not completely lost my mind... yet! I wonder if it's something every pregnant woman goes trough or this weird feeling is reserved for IF pregnant ladies. Any thoughts?
Part of this behaviour is also manifested itself in the fact that I have not bought anything for the baby apart from one onesie. Over the last two years I spent hours thinking about what I would buy and how I would go shopping crazy for the baby and I even bought two funny outfits about 2 years ago when I was still under the illusion we were going to get knocked up at any moment!Now I feel "scared" to buy anything in case I "jinx" things. At first I thought I would wait until the end of the first trimester and now I keep saying I will wait until we know what we are having. Will I start buying things when we know or will our poor Peanut be born with no clothes on his/her back and no where to sleep??!!
Like I have said today I am 16 weeks pregnant and Peanut is growing toenails this week and his/her circulatory system is pumping blood! This week is the week we finally go for another u/s. I think part of my anxiety comes from the fact that we have not been to see Peanut in the last 3 weeks whereas before we used to get a peak every week. I cannot wait to see that all is GREAT and HEALTHY with Peanut. We cannot wait to see how big of a difference three weeks has made in his/her development and we also wonder if we will be able to tell if Peanut is a boy or a girl! We cannot wait for the Wednesday and I am already on countdown mode!!!
I suppose deep down I am know I am pregnant but I need to make more or an active effort to remind myself that it's for real and not just a beautiful dream...
You're almost halfway there now... better start believing!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I think this is mainly reserved for IF ladies. My friend who is 6-7 weeks ahead of me was talking about her pregnancy, plans, the baby, etc at 8 weeks. I could barely say the word baby and I definitely did not speak in "whens" but "ifs" for a long time.
ReplyDeleteMy anatomy scan at 18 weeks finally allowed me to relax a little, except I was worried my cervix had shrank too much even though it was normal, lol. I didn't buy a thing until after that though.
But believe me, when he or she starts dancing around and regularly assaulting your insides, you will KNOW it's real and it is the best feeling in the world. :) You will get there!
I hate that IF robs us of so much joy in our lives - both before pregnancy, and then during pregnancy. Not that I have had this experience, but I have heard from many that pregnancy after IF is in no way like pregnancy with no problems. I hope that each day brings more "feeling pregnant" for you, and you can feel the joy of having that little Peanut inside you.
ReplyDeleteI think that some of those feelings are really very normal for us IF girls. I too am now pregnant (14wks)with my first thanks to IVF & although I'm so thrilled about that when I see other pregnant women I automatically think of how much easier it probably was for them to get pregnant. How they don't have to worry if they'll ever be able to have another child & they can just enjoy their care free pregnancy. Just part of the package for us I guess. Hope you start to "feel" more pregnant soon:) BTW, your baby bump is super cute too!
ReplyDelete~ICLW
Have you heard the heartbeat yet? I know you have seen it. When I heard that it became more real. Just wait till you feel the kicks and see your belly contort because the baby is moving...awsome! If at all possible you should do a 3D US, I did one at 28 weeks and cried the whole time. To see your baby...looking like a real baby was amazing!
ReplyDeleteI haven't experienced it yet, but from what I read, your "it's not real" reactions are completely normal for our IF crowd. Keep your spirits up :) And HAPPY ICLW!!!
ReplyDeleteI too have not experienced it yet, but can't help but feel that I would find myself feeling the same way. It took so much for you to get where you are today, so its only right that it will take you some time to take it all in. But, Peanut is growing and you are almost half-way there! Wishing you lots of luck! Happy ICLW :)
ReplyDeleteFor me, that feeling never went away. I couldn't belive I was pregnant through the whole thing. And now, 14 months after the birth of my daughter, I still can't believe she is mine. I made her. I am a mother. I don't dare blink my eyes in fear it was all a dream. It is still competely surreal to me. I have days where I just can't look at her enough.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if women who aren't infertile feel that same way, but I can assure you, these feelings for someone who has been infertile are magnified a million times.
I also didn't start buying baby things until I was almost in the third trimester. Once you start, you won't be able to stop. lol
I'm so happy to hear such good news and hope that other IF women will find inspiration in your success, especially after a failed cycle.
ReplyDeleteI was horribly miserable about my daughter's pregnancy; not letting my mother buy a single item for the baby or tell her friends until I had had the results of my amnio at 16 weeks. I was just so scared I would lose her, and reluctant to fall into conversations about our disappointments and our next step. After those results, I dared to believe that it was really happenning and we were going to have our precious child. I would say, in retrospect, that I robbed myself of the wonderful secret of early pregnancy and sad about that. Try to believe.
I have spoken to a lot of women, IF and not, about their pregancies. Unlike many of the IF women I know and read, I don't think we have a monopoly on joy in our pregnancies.
First of all, remember what Infertility's Common Thread is about... not knowing the history of the pregnant woman or new mother you walk by, and wishing you could connect with a smile if you could identify a fellow IF woman. We also don't know the other challenges they have experienced; even if not infertile, I have known women whose pregnancies are affected by pre-existing conditions including diabetes, lupus and even cancer.
Second, I don't have a single, fertile friend who didn't feel total joy, awe and love for the baby growing inside her, and none of them took it for granted.
In the end, there is mystery in pregnancy, awe at new life and rich rewards from mothering. I wish every single woman could get the chance to experience and appreciate it. I know you will.
Lisa (ICLW 65 - yourgreatlife)
I think it's something IFers deal with a lot more than 'regular' pg ladies. In fact I don't think non-IFers feel that way at all!
ReplyDeleteI know I would still constantly look at happy pregnant people and think "why cant it be me?" well into my pregnancy!
Love your articles..
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