Will Peanut have a Nursery to come home to??

The time has finally come for us to start planning Peanut's nursery. When I read other people's blogs and see that they have already bought cribs, dressers, clothes and all we have is a car seat and its bases I am panicked! Our Peanut is going to sleep in her car seat and her pram if it gets here before she is born!! Before getting pregnant when we were still TTC I used to think that the minute we got pregnant we would get all we needed and how much fun it would all be. Now that I am pregnant I am scared of buying anything and I think 100 times before making up my mind. Take my pram and car seat research. It took me 4 months to find and finally buy a pram and a car seat. I always knew I was a picky buyer but this is takes the biscuit! I think it's not just me being picky though, it's also the fact that I don't want to get too carried away. I know this is the exact time to get carried away but I am scared that the minute I do something will go wrong. I know its wrong and counter productive to think like this but I cannot help it. I think it's partly to do with what we have been through to get here and partly with my mom's miscarriage.

When my mom was 39 she found out she was pregnant. It was not a planned pregnancy by any means but she was nevertheless excited about it. I was 13 at the time and I remember that on Mother's Day she told me and my brother about the good news. All was going well and the same day my mom took out all our old baby clothes to wash them she also went for her routine scan. I remember my brother coming to get me to go home and he looked as if he had seen a ghost. When I went into the kitchen my mom was sitting down crying uncontrollably. The baby that was so healthy during the previous exams no longer had a heartbeat. She was 5 months pregnant. The same week my mom went in the hospital to have the deliver her baby. A month earlier she had an amniocentesis to see that all was ok and as she was 39 it was done as a routine. She received the results by mail two weeks after she lost the baby. The baby was healthy and showed no health problems. He was a baby boy and he would now be 17. He was due in October just like our Peanut.

I still get teary thinking back and seeing my mom go through that kind of a loss. It must have been so hard for her to pick herself up from all of this and go on with her life. I remember she was sad for a long time after the loss and I am sure she still think about the "what ifs". When I do tell her of my fears I never go into any details because I am too scared to bring back painful memories. She keeps telling me that our baby is there and strong and that I just need to keep thinking about that. She is one amazing woman my mom. I wish she could see me pregnant but as we live in different countries and my doctor has advised against travel during my pregnancy unless it's necessary, I will not be able to fully share my pregnancy with her. I wish she could come visit but it's too hot for her and especially my dad here during the summer. I keep on updating her with pictures of my bump and ultra sound pictures but somehow the idea of my mom touching my belly and make it all ok would really help.

In a way I have answered my own question with this post. I am not buying because when my mom started buying and getting ready that's when she lost her baby and subconsciously that's what I am scared of. I am scared of going through what my mom went through, of getting carried away and get ready for a baby that never was. When I was thinking like this last night and telling D part of what my fears are (I could not say this to him face to face) our little Peanut started kicking badly as if to say" Mamma stop talking non-sense!! I am here to stay!!!" I have said it before, our daughter is way ahead of me and she is already telling me how things are. I am so in love with her.

So as you can see I am making a big effort to let go and to get carried away and hopefully this weekend can start looking at colours for the nursery and maybe start thinking of what kind of furniture apart from her crib we want to have in there. I have ideas for the walls but I don't know exactly how it's going to work. I always tell myself to take it one step at the time... so for once I will follow my own advice and take it one step at the time. Cribs and colours and furniture can wait until I am ready. Tomorrow we go see our RE for a routine visit and quick u/s and I cannot wait to see Peanut. Seeing her and hearing her heartbeat always puts my mind at ease. I know it won't be a long u/s but just a quick one, the BIG 20 week one is next week. I also dreading this appointment because I need to tell my doctor that I cannot keep seeing her and the hospital where I will deliver and that I will probably start going just to the hospital. Wish me luck!

Who is that naked lady in my bathroom???

Ok, so here I was standing in my bathroom about to go for a shower when I take a look in the mirror and jump back. Who is that naked lady in the mirror? I take a step back I put my glasses back on and I take a closer look. My face is definitely rounder, my boobs have new blue veins everywhere and they are so huge, my belly is so round and so high up to my belly button, my thighs are getting bigger and my feet.. well they are still the same for now!! I stop looking and enjoy my shower then I go downstairs and I tell D that my body has been kidnapped by aliens. He laughs and tells me that my body is that of a beautiful mommy... that stops the madness and I regain control of my thoughts. My boobs and belly are bigger because I am PREGNANT. D'oh!

I am 19 weeks pregnant today and yet I still have moments when I still think this is all a beautiful dream. I still thank God and our lucky star for this wonderful miracle and I am so thankful that in October we will welcome a baby girl into our family. The fact that I am now showing has helped me relax somewhat. Peanut moving around in my belly and making herself felt is just the best of reminders that she is growing stronger and all is ok. I already think our daughter is going to be so intelligent because even at this young age she is already a step ahead of me! I am so in love with her it's not possible to put it in words.

This weekend I had my first "pregnant" women with a stranger. We went to the cinema for the first time in a LONG LONG time. We went to the 8.30pm show of Robin Hood and before the start of the show I went to the bathroom. I was standing in line with another lady who was ahead of me. When it was her turn she turned to me as if for me to go and I said that she was first, so looked down at my belly and said "no, you go ahead dear". I came out of the bathroom smiling from ear to ear and D looked at me inquisitively. I told him the story and he said that I just had my first pregnant moment with a stranger!! I loved it and it made my night. I was really proud of myself for lasting all movie and then going for pizza with friends after. I went to bed after 1 am and the next day I felt fine but I did go to bed at 10pm! I love the second trimester. I am starting to realise why people say it's the best time during pregnancy. Well, it's late here now I am going to go sit on the couch and feel our little Peanut kick up a storm in there in the hope that she can kick hard enough so that D can feel her too. He hears her when he puts his ear on my belly (my human doppler!!!) but has yet to feel her movements. I am confident is just a matter of time with our little overachiever!!

First baby kicks... oh what a bliss!!!

Today he best thing in the world happened to me. I was sitting at my desk working away when all of a sudden I feel the softest little kicks in the lower right part of my uterus. I have felt this kind of butterflies before but only when I am about to fall asleep and all is quiet but then when I place my hand there the kicks are gone. Well, today the kicks were still there when I put my hand there. It was incredible and only last about a minute but it was amazing!! That was our little girl telling mommy that she is there to stay and that I better believe it. I have waited for this moment since turning 16 weeks and couldn't wait to experience it, now it's happened once I cannot wait for the next time she will make herself known to me. I wished D could have been here to feel her too but I am sure there will be plenty more chances.

I am finally starting to feel back to my normal self. I have been nursing a cough/cold since last Tuesday and stayed home from work for two days last week to recover. Now I only have a it of a cough left and the rest is gone which is great. I felt so powerless when it all started as I didn't know what could help me in terms of home remedies. So I stuck with drinking hot milk with honey first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Then I would have lots of orange juice and water through the day. I kept on eating, mainly soups and then at the weekend D made me the loveliest of spaghetti bolognese and Japanese noodles which tasted like heaven and I am sure they also helped in my speedy recovery! I didn't take any medication not even Panadol because I wanted to control this without meds and I am lucky to say it worked. The only thing I allowed myself when the coughing was really persistent was Halls sweets for my throat (max of 2 a day). I have been so strict when it comes to taking any sort of medications and the whole time I have been pregnant so far I have only taken 2 panadols.. also luckily I have never needed to take any more. Lucky all around!

I have not posted a belly picture last week as I was sick so to make up for it... here is one taken yesterday at 18 weeks and 2 days. The belly is really getting rounder and growing so fast now. I cannot stop touching it and caressing it, hoping that the gentle cuddles are felt inside too.

Thank you Krissi!

I just want to thank Krissi from Stress Free Infertility for featuring my story for her weekly Success Story Sunday. Through her blog she is doing such a GREAT at keeping hope alive and reminding us to appreciate life right now. Her advice for Mother's Day Live for the moment.. appreciate the day! reminded me of how important it is to be thankful and for what we have right now... without focusing too much on what we be without. I know it's easier said than done but it's a GREAT mantra to live by...

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all who are already mothers, to those who are mothers to be, to those who are mothers at heart and waiting for their baby and to those mothers who are now Angels looking after their own children from above.

I always loved Mother's Day because it has always been a day of celebrations in my family. I remember as a kid I would prepare breakfast in bed and lovely cards for my mom and on the day we made sure my mom felt super pampered. I always send her flowers except for this year as she said NOT to send her any (florist issues!). My mom and I have always shared a very tight bond. We have our fights and disagreements on things but we always make up and even if we are miles apart we remain very close. I love hearing the story of how much my mom longed for me. Of how much she wanted a girl after having my brother 2 and half years before. She dressed in pink for most of her pregnancy and dreamed of me and how I would be. During her ultrasound she was the one that told the doctor that I was going to be a girl! She always describes me as a good baby, one that ate, didn't fuss and slept. My mom was a stay at home mom not by choice but because of the fact that she was an air force wife and as such she could not change jobs every 3 years. I personally loved having her home every day after school but I also know how much she would have like to keep working too. She made a home for us wherever we went and never once I have I heard or about yet another move. She was always patient with both my brother and I and she always took our side whenever we were in trouble. She truly is a super mom. I always said to my mom that if we knew each other growing up we would be friends for sure. For the last two years she has been taking care of my dad who suffered a massive stroke in March 2008. We were so worried for them both as both my brother and I live in different countries as my parents. My mom has never been a woman of many words but since the stroke and my dad suffering from Aphasia, she has found a strong voice for both my dad and herself. She is an amazing woman and I am so so proud she is my mom because it is because of her love and devotion that I am the woman I am today.

Today I also celebrate Mother's Day with my own little princess. I might not be able to wake her up with a kiss and a cuddle yet but she is growing within me. She is 18 weeks old today, she is all ours and I am her mommy. I still cannot believe how blessed we have been to be where we are now and I thank God and pray for him to keep Isabella Anna safe now and for the rest of her life. I know Isabella has a beautiful and super protective Guardian Angel already in D's mom who passed away in November 2008. Isabella was conceived just around the time of her birthday and we believe she had something magical do with it. Today I remember her and wish her a Happy Mother's Day wherever she might be. D sent me a message from Isabella wishing me a happy Mother's Day and of course I started crying. Today it's a beautiful day.. one that I will cherish forver.

Powerful list

I came across Bon's blog through Baby on Mind's blog. Last week she posted a powerful and useful list of things she wished she would have known when she first started to TTC 3 years ago. It's such a moving list and I am sure a lot of us who have been TTC for a while can relate to a few of them. I am posting it here in the hope that others who have just started TTC can go to her post and read her advice... it truly speaks from the heart.

We went shopping!!!!

After researching prams and car seats for about 4 months.. or 2 years and 4 months... I was sold on The pushchair and The car seat for us. Then after getting a very long email from a Britax representative I have discovered that the chances of me getting a Britax prams are zero and that it would cost way to much to buy it in the UK and get my brother to send it over. Plus if anything goes wrong with it there is no way of getting replacement parts etc.

So I went back to my original idea which was to purchase a Phil & Teds pushchair. I did a lot of research and found out that there are adaptors for the P&T that allow you to put the car seat onto the pushchair. So now the only remaining question is which model to get. I cannot decide between the Sport or the Dash. I keep reading that they are both as good as each other, the Sport being the more basic model and the Dash being the upgraded model up from the Sport. There are plus and minuses I am still trying to figure out with both and once I make up my mind I will decide what to go for. I am leaning towards the Dash as it's a newer improved model and all the issues that people had with it in the earlier days post release have now been resolved. I am waiting for my paypal to be approved before I can go ahead and purchase it so I have still a bit of time to think things over. The store we went to had the E3 which is an earlier model but I didn't feel like buying something that was already outdated plus the only colour they had was navy blue and I prefer the red or black.

As for the car seat we got the one I wanted yesterday. We got the Maxi Cosi Cabrio Fix which is the model I have researched and which has won a lot of awards for its safety records. I felt like a child in a candy store when we got it and I jumped and sang all the way out of the store!! Every time I turned and saw the car seat in the back seat made me smile.. I am tempted to get it fixed just so that I am constantly reminded that it's really happening!! We wanted to get the ISOFIX bases to go with it but they were out of stock. It was not a big deal and the guy in the store told us that there is a store across town that sells them. We then went to have a lovely lunch with a friend who is visiting us and then we headed home... or so I thought. D took a road we normally don't take and then he made a turn and I said.. are you taking me to buy the bases?? And he just smiled!! I kissed him and started screaming because I was so happy!! I swear they tell you baby shopping is fun but this is just the BEST!! So D bought me the two bases, one for my car and one for his and then we went home.. for real this time. I had a wonderful day and spent all night playing with my new purchase!!

Whilst we were in "baby land" I bought another pair of work trousers and I also got a body pillow. I have been wanting to buy a baby pillow since sleeping on my belly has become impossible and yesterday we found the one for me. It's super soft and long enough so that I can really hug it. I slept much better with it even though turning with it proved rather difficult. I am sure once I get used to it I will love it. D was joking how he has now been replaced by a pillow and how it feels like he is having a threesome... but not the type he had in mind!! HAHAHA!!!